Survey Says!

Richard Dawson, first host of Family Feud, in a sketch with Johnny Carson as President Ronald Reagan.

David M. Lynch's First Rule of Writing: Never Throw Anything Away.

Since I've spent so much time lately reminiscing about various not-too-personal aspects of my past life (like my fifteen chapter "Insect Asides" series, a few random reprinted posts, my Tuesday post about this blog's tenth anniversary, etc.), today's post ought to fit right in.

I was looking through my old computer files and found something that's been kicking around since 2001, which was only a couple of years after I finally broke down and whole-heartedly embraced this wacky, zany, kooky "internet" thang.

In those days, I was quite likely to forward jokes and little memes that other people sent to me, and the following was no exception. So here's the text of an email which you might have gotten from me then, if we corresponded with each other (Brand new, personal observations will be written in brackets, in bold print, italicized, and in blue!):

*  * * *  *

Hi,

I recently received the following message. I did not "mess" with it, even a bit. If you choose to respond, please delete this introduction from me. Whether you replace it with one of your own is up to you, of course.

Have fun (sort of),

David

Okay, here's what you're supposed to do...and DON'T BE LAME and spoil the fun. Do it. [Do I even HAVE to tell you that I didn't write that "Don't Be Lame" command? It was part of the email which someone sent to me!] Copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you will send. Change all of the answers so that they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about your friends and family. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT? Renting a three-room apartment, but it's really four if you count the rather large hallway. And I do! I live alone. No wife or girlfriend, no kids, no pets. [Yep, "no pets". This was about three years before I got Orson.]

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? I'm not reading anything lately. No time! The last two books I picked up and never finished were You Might as Well Live (a bio of writer Dorothy Parker) and The Best of Damon Runyon, a wonderfully-preserved paperback book from 1943! The last few books I've read completely through have been celebrity biographies (Kovacsland, The Real Bettie Page, Mr. Laurel & Mr. Hardy, and three Orson Welles bios, Citizen Welles, Rosebud, and Orson Welles) and other Hollywood memoirs (The Name Above the Title by Frank Capra, and Adventures in the Screen Trade by William Goldman, the latter of which was sent to me from Florida by one of my many friends named Jennifer. Thanks, Jennifer!)

3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? [My mouse doesn't even have a mouse pad nowadays.] The "Charter Pipeline" logo. I just got their online service, and received my new computer only a couple of days before that. It'll no doubt be a while before I get anything more personalized.

4. FAVORITE CARD GAME? Unless you count the "Free Cell" game installed on both my computer and the one at work, I don't really play cards often at all. I think the last card game I played was "UNO" in the late 1980s!

5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? Maxim, although, believe it or not, after all the adult mags I've sold, the cheesecake shots in Maxim don't do a hell of a lot for me! Forgive the cliche, but I read the articles!

6a. FAVORITE SMELL: Hmm, I'll eschew the obvious, here... Okay, how about very well-done boneless spareribs from a Chinese restaurant? I could also list a couple of people whose personal scents are somehow comforting (and I'm not joking here), but... I won't. And don't ask me in person, either! :)

6b. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL: Any bad breath odor emanating from a source which is, shall we say, attempting intimacy?

7. FAVORITE SOUND? Make that "sounds." Mostly musical. The voice of someone like Billie Holiday, Frank Sinatra, Enrico Caruso, or even Freddie Mercury... How about the "right" guitar riff or solo, when performed by Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Ted Nugent, David Gilmour... Then, there's the classical stuff. Mozart, Beethoven, Grieg... You get the idea by now, right?

8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? The thought of my dying with no one around me at that very moment, and (I predict) with so much left undone.

9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP? "Excuse me, miss, but what was your name?" (Hey, after that last one, I had to lighten things up a bit, ya know?)

10. FAVORITE COLOR? Black. Big surprise there, huh? But remember, everybody, I was dressing in black 10-15 years before all the Goths made it fashionable!

11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Phone? What phone? [It's true! I didn't have a telephone -- cell phone or landline -- for many years! I do have one now, though.]

12. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Yeah, right.

13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Feeling needed and wanted by friends. Preferably both, simultaneously. And that just barely edges out my second choice, "the feeling that you've made a positive mark in the world" as number one!

14. FAVORITE FOODS? Boneless spareribs, pistachio nuts, oysters, and my very own chicken soup. [I'd have to add McDonald's Filet-O-Fish, and boneless Buffalo wings.]

15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Vanilla. I've always been vanilla, surrounded by chocolate. Think about it, and get back to me.

16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Not any more. I guess that comes with age, and the gradual awareness of one's own mortality. [Just recently, I was driving my mechanic back to his garage after he'd done a car repair, and he told me I drove "like an old lady." I was going 37 mph in a 40 mph zone. I said "You do realize that the speed limit is just that, right? It tells you the highest speed you're supposed to go. There's no law that says you have to travel that fast, and even if there were... Seriously? Three mph under the limit, and you're f***ing complaining?"]

17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Only when I have to... Oh, wait, you said "stuffed," not "inflatable?" Never mind. No.

18. STORMS -- COOL OR SCARY? Very cool. You can pick up energy from the air during a thunderstorm, and during a snowstorm, I like to test myself by being one of the few idiots on the road.

19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? A 1964 Plymouth Belvedere with an 8-cylinder 318 engine and a funky push-button transmission.

[Nope. You're NOT imagining things. There was/is no #20!]

21. FAVORITE DRINK? Alcoholic: Molson Golden Ale. Non-alcoholic: Dr. Pepper. Seasonal: Egg nog. [Nowadays, when I drink alcohol -- which is  rarely -- I prefer Coors Light. And I don't drink soda very often. I usually drink coffee, unsweetened iced tea, or sugar-free powdered drink mixes. Currently, my favorite is Welch's Cherry Pomegranate Singles to Go.]

22. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? Scorpio. And if anybody wants a demonstration of the term "Scorpio rising..."

23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Of course. Why waste it?

24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? Hmm. "Sultan" isn't really a job, is it? Okay, I'd put "writer," but since I've actually done that from time to time, even 'though I don't support myself that way, let's say "actor." In the movies, primarily. [Since then, I actually did support myself as a writer for a few years. Now I'm pretty much retired, except for the flea market and eBay.]

25. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR? Gee, let's try going back to where it was ten years ago!

26. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Next question? Okay, okay... "Yes," and always with the wrong people (one way or another). [I don't mean "the wrong people" as an insult. No, really. I just figure if I'm not still with them now, they couldn't have been the right person, y'know?]

27. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? That depends. Did you take an empty glass, and fill it halfway? If so, then of course, it's half full. If you took a full glass and drank half, or poured out half, then it would be half empty. [I love messing with those little cliches, y'know?] That's the curse of being analytical! And did you notice that "analyze" and "anal" (as in conservative, or uptight) appear to have the same root word?

28. FAVORITE MOVIE? Make that movies, since I own over 1300. "The Philadelphia Story," "Casablanca," and "It's a Wonderful Life" (I know, me and the rest of the world...!) among the classics, and "Midnight Run" and "Ed Wood" among the moderns. [Since then, my 1300 videotape estimate grew to exceed two thousand! Now, of course, my collection includes DVDs. I have dozens of those.]

29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? No, technically, but I prefer to think of the "right" keys as the ones which give me the right results. If I type an "r" and "r" shows up on the paper (or screen), then I must've had my finger on the right key. Ya think?

30. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? I never store things under the bed. And since I just rearranged my bedroom, no dust bunnies, either. The occasional sock before laundry day, perhaps?

31. FAVORITE NUMBER? Not what you're thinking. I don't have one, really.

32. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? I'm not a sports person, but... Baseball, if I have to watch anything. It would have been roller games (very similar to roller derby), back in the '70s, but what they call roller derby today is too glitzed-up.

33. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU. She's probably the most unique individual I've ever known. And with my friends, that's saying a lot. [And here we are, many years later, and I don't even speak to that "person."]

34. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Jennifer. (Which one? Hahahahahahahahahaha....!)

35. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Bekki. (And that is a challenge.) [Uhhh... I hate to admit it, but I can't even recall who "Bekki" was! You'd think that with the odd spelling of "Bekki," she would have made some sort of lasting impression on me, right? Apparently not.]

36. IF YOU COULD BE ANY ANIMAL, WHAT WOULD YOU BE? A real scorpion. Or a dragon (which is supposedly mythological, true, but...).

*  *  *  *  *

Thanks for your time.