The Return of Dewey Mellen!

You may have read the above title and asked yourself "Dewey Mellen? Who the hell is that, and where is he returning from? Well, briefly put, Dewey was a character I created for the now "retired" blog, Simpson/Lynch Studios, a blog written by myself and my occasional writing partner, Skip Simpson. Dewey was the editor of the Pleasantview Poop Sheet, and frankly... Dewey was an idiot.

Do you remember a few weeks ago, when President Trump spoke with a bit of confusion concerning England, Great Britain, and the United Kingdom? His exact quote was this: "I have great respect for the U.K. United Kingdom. Great respect. People call it Britain. They call it Great Britain. They used to call it England—different parts."

Well, way back in 2010, I had Dewey Mellen comment on the then-recent Deepwater Horizon's historic oil spill and the involvement of BP, the oil company headquartered in England. Dewey's editorial contained a quote that seemed to anticipate Trump's later words: "[T]he British -- and make no mistake, these so-called 'British' are the very same race as the English, who no doubt changed the name of their country to avoid embarrassment over what they've done to our own American native language..."

Here's Dewey's editorial in its entirety. And let me assure any British readers that any anti-British sentiments expressed by Dewey Mellen are the words of an idiot, and certainly do not reflect any opinions of my own... or Skip's.

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WPLJ-TV Announcer's Voice: We interrupt our regularly scheduled program... for an editorial rebuttal from Dewey Mellen, editor-in-chief of the Pleasantview Poop Sheet.

Dewey: Citizens of Pleasantview, plus those of neighboring Porterview who are close enough to the WPLJ tower to receive this transmission! Good morning, or evening, or whenever the management at WPLJ decides to air this... probably around 3 a.m. in the morning, if I know them... (pause) Anyway, in a recent editorial by this station's general manager, Ian Cumming, Mr. Cumming editorialized against recent anti-British sentiments expressed by outraged Pleasantview Americans. These outraged Pleasantview Americans I speak of are outraged by the disastrous BP oil disaster which I, in my capacity as editor-in-chief and staff reporter for the Pleasantview Poop Sheet -- available daily in most local retail outlets at a per-copy cost of only fifty cents per copy, or one dollar on Sundays -- unearthed early last week. (pause) In his regularly-scheduled early-morning program, "Cumming At Your Breakfast Table," Mr. Cumming said that it is unfair for our Pleasantview citizens to blame our foreign allies as a whole for the unfortunate situation in the Gulf, or as he himself put it, "It is unfair for our Pleasantview citizens to blame our foreign allies as a whole for the unfortunate situation in the Gulf." Well, as Colonel Harry Potter on M*A*S*H would have said... "Horse hockey!" Don't you people understand what is going on here?!? Not content with changing the name of my Dutch forebears' beloved New Amsterdam to New York so many years ago, the British -- and make no mistake, these so-called "British" are the very same race as the English, who no doubt changed the name of their country to avoid embarrassment over what they've done to our own American native language -- are obviously staging this "accident" as a reprisal for our patriotic forefathers' Boston Tea Party! To this affront, citizens of Pleasantview, I can only offer up a battle cry: "Heck, no! Stop the flow!" We must band together as brothers -- and sisters, too, as I suppose we must, because of all that equal rights stuff -- and fight these terrorists, much as my own father, Crenshaw Mellen, came out publicly against Adolf Hitler and his Nazi followers as early as 1944!

At this point, an exasperated WPLJ Cameraman sighs, shakes his head, and laughingly mutters something to a nearby stagehand. Dewey responds to what he thinks the man has said.

Dewey (to WPLJ Cameraman): "What a hassle?" My fellow citizen, it's more than a mere hassle! It is a catastrophe of catastrophic proportions! (Dewey pauses, then addresses the viewers once again.) Now, rather than sit on my hands and scratch my head, I have offered my expertise to various political groups, starting with the Tea Party, and then moving on to the Coffee Party, the Mr. Pibb Party, the Nehi Party, and others. Those who have read and replied to my extensive resumé and accompanying cover letter have reluctantly informed me that they currently have no openings for new members, so I have taken it upon myself to revive the party of the late, lamented presidential candidate, Patrick Layton Paulsen, the Straight-Talking American Government Party... or "STAG" Party, for short. I hereby declare my intention to throw caution to the breaking wind, and my hat into the rink, and...

The WPLJ Cameraman gives Dewey the traditional "Time" signal.

Dewey: What? I'm out of time already? But I haven't...

WPLJ-TV Announcer's Voice: That was an editorial rebuttal from Dewey Mellen, editor-in-chief of the Pleasantview Poop Sheet. We now return you to our regularly scheduled program... already in progress.

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Thanks for your time!