Saturday, May 12, 2018


This is a PG-rated post about an X-rated subject. So trust me, it's completely "safe" to read even if you're easily offended.

Once again, I'm asking for your help!

Long before the advent of the internet, I was informally known among friends and acquaintances as "The Man Who Can Find Things."

Looking for an LP no record shop seems to carry? (No eBay back then!) Go see David!

Looking for the name of that uncredited actor in that movie you saw on TV last night? (No IMDb back then.) Go see David!

Looking for that out-of-print book that none of the second-hand bookstores carry? (Again, no eBay back then.) Go see David!

Looking for the name of the group that recorded "that" song? (No Wikipedia back then.) Go see David!

Well! One afternoon just a few days ago, a friend of mine sent an email to me. This email, with "For The Man who can Find things" [sic] in the subject line, contained a link -- and nothing else -- to a website with a brief but... umm...  attention-grabbing video.

Actually, it was a porn video.

Now, I'm not very judgmental, nor easily offended, so my only real issue with most porn is that anything other than basic sex scenes usually suffer from sloppy writing, poor acting (especially when they ad-lib!), etc.  But I couldn't understand why my friend had sent me the link to a porn site.

The video was a six-minute sequence of a man and a young woman engaging in various sex acts. There was no dialogue, nor any sound effects, only some striking background music. I say "striking" because it was a wordless song I'd never heard before, a very simple but somewhat pleasing, melodic tune which somehow colored my impression of the film I was watching. For lack of a better way to put it, the combination of the music and the visuals made me feel less like I was watching two people having sex, and more like I was viewing two people making love.

As the video ended, I again wondered why my friend had sent this link to me. So, using his email's title as a clue, I decided that my friend wanted to know who the actress was.

I'll spare you the details, but before very long, I had used a few different methods to ascertain that this very skinny young woman performs under the name of Kitana A. Demida (shown in G-rated poses both above and below), as well as a handful of other aliases (which is quite common with porn actresses and actors). She's Russian. And yes, she does look uncomfortably young, but as of this writing, she turned twenty-seven exactly a week ago.

I replied to his email that very evening, with all the information you just read, plus a bit more, plus some links to even more info. And my friend replied by saying "NO, dipshit, I want to know the name of the SONG in the video, and who does it!"

So, fellow babies, here's the "quandary" mentioned in today's title: Do any of you have any idea how I can learn the name of the song played in the video? With no lyrics, even my somewhat knowledgeable ear can't recognize a singer's voice. Furthermore, I can't search YouTube without knowing the song's title, and -- duh! -- if I knew the title, I wouldn't have to search YouTube. And obviously, I'm not going to include a link to the adult video site and ask you to go there, nor will I attempt to download the video itself and embed it on my blog.

And in case you're about to suggest that I search the viewers' comments that some of these adult sites include after their videos... I already tried that several days ago.

Any help -- including any suggestions as to how I could place the audio but not the video on my blog --would be much appreciated.

Thanks for your time... and any help you can give me!


  1. lol your friend sure doesn't beat around the bush.

    Hmmm I know there are sites for what has been used in shows and movies, Tunefind, where you can find them, but don't thing they do porn. With no lyrics, I'm rather useless.

  2. Under the circumstances you give above, I have no idea how somebody besides yourself will be able to find any info on the music. However, a little porn won't put my nose out of joint (what I've watched of it I find more than a little ridiculous), so if you want to shoot me the link in an email, I'll give it a listen and see if I recognize the tune, or hear a hint as to who may have written it.

    1. Will do, thanks. And I agree that most porn is kinda ridiculous, mostly in the way they set up a sex scene. As I said in my post, it usually involves bad writing, bad acting, and bad who-knows-what-else. Short scenes containing nothing but sex seem to work better. That's what the intended audience is actually there to see, right?

    2. Huh! I got your email and received the link, and after watching and listening I can tell you that that music was written by a computer program. I don't know which one exactly, because there are a bunch of them. Basically, you pick an instrument and a riff, then you pick the background (strings in this case, but you can also pick bass and drums, jazz band, etc.), and then you feed it a chord progression. Voila! Instant mood music. And the maker of this particular video didn't even get very creative, he just set the thing on infinite loop. There's tons of that computerized elevator music around, especially in the porn business, because you don't have to pay anybody royalties or get permission to use it. It's cheap, quick, and painless!

    3. Thanks, Roy! I played the song for some people at the flea market on Sunday, and they said the same thing. It makes perfect sense that the distributors of that video would not want to actually pay to use someone else's song. They like to keep to tight budgets.

  3. Well, if you want, you can send it to me and I'll listen to the song. I might recognize it. That poor girl needs to eat.


    1. On its way, thanks. And yes, she does, doesn't she?

  4. That's a hilarious story. And she does look uncomfortably young. I bet Janie will help.
    Keep us posted, Silver.

    1. Yes, I thought that telling you all how I got the video in the first place would be fun.

  5. You are so funny!:D

    You could just record the audio on a smartphone and then upload the file on your blog. No images-melody, problem solved!

    How do you know the actor is 27? She looks nothing like that's a fudged DOB...and agree with the other posters she is in dire danger of starvation.

    1. Someone at the flea market Sunday said I could do that, but I don't have a smartphone. Then he suggested I do it on my computer, but I'm not hooked up to the internet either, so I couldn't download the link.

      As far as the age of the actress goes, porn producers love placing young-looking actresses (often wearing schoolgirl uniforms) in their videos because a lot of guys love the Lolita types. However, since the mid-1980s and the Traci Lords scandal, producers are very careful about using underage models and actresses.

      In case you never heard about Traci Lords, she was a very popular adult film actress from 1984-1986. Then, an unnamed informant told authorities that Traci had only just turned 18, meaning that she'd been performing for two years as an underage model and porn star. Traci (real name, Nora Louise Kuzma) had shown ID obtained with a stolen birth certificate to producers, co-workers, photographers, publishers, etc. claiming that she was in her twenties, when she'd actually started performing in porn films at 15. All but one of her films were ordered removed from the shelves, and producers lost millions of dollars cleaning up the mess. Nobody involved went to jail, however, because she had falsified her ID and they'd all acted in good faith. After all that, I'm pretty sure that everyone in the business is pretty careful about the ages of their actresses. Of course, saying I'm "pretty sure" obviously doesn't mean that I can say this with 100% certainty...

  6. My suggestion would also involve a smartphone. If you ask "what's this song?" and hold the phone near the audio source, it will identify the song title, artist, link to the lyrics, etc. But something that may be computer-generated as someone mentioned above, well, that may not work.

    1. Yeah, several people ended up telling me it was a computer-generated tune. No royalties that way.


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