Sunday, April 17, 2011

"And All Before Breakfast" (Special Guest Post!)

Hey, there, cats'n'kitties! This is the great and powerful Orson, the cat! The Silver Fox is busy workin' on scriptin' a second Poe-inspired story for his partner, Skip Simpson, to draw... so he decided to let me have a hand... errr, a paw... at writin' one of his blog posts!

(And lest a certain rhymin' cat think I'm stealin' his act, I gotta point out -- well, in the sense that a cat can "point" -- that I've been featured prominently on this blog and the David'Z RantZ blog a few times before... most notably here and here!)

This time, I'm gonna showcase my own writin' skills, such as they are. If you like my little story, feel free to send canned cat food, or at the very least, discount coupons for some. Better yet, I prefer people food. I love chicken, and since the Selfish Silver Fox almost never shares pork, ham, sausage, etc. with me, any "flesh of the pig" will do nicely!

*  *  *  *  *


The town was so small, its S.W.A.T. team consisted of only two men, named Marky and Mikey. The uniformed duo had been on the trail of a killer since before dawn. It was still early morning.

They'd chased their quarry, a man with a rifle, to the local zoo. They knew they were on the right path when they saw the corpse of a large white rabbit only a few feet from the zoo's entrance. The rabbit had been slain by a single shot from the killer's rifle.

At first, the killer had gotten a pretty good lead on them, but he kept slowing down to shoot at the caged animals. He'd already killed a neotropical bird, a cuckoo, and a docile bear that the zoo's patrons had always described as "sweet."

Now the killer had been backed up against a large cage that enclosed a man-made cave. He scaled its bars nimbly, and prepared to jump in, hoping to hide from the policemen in the cave. As he perched atop the sturdy fence, however, an ominous growl came from the cave. The growl heralded the appearance of a ferocious tiger. Thoughts of escape were discarded as the killer smiled grimly, and aimed his rifle at the snarling beast.

"Don't move!" yelled Mikey. The killer turned back toward the voice, noticing that the other man, Marky, was perched in a nearby tree. Both officers held rifles similar to the killer's own. Frantic and trapped, he wondered which policeman was more of a danger to him.

Making his decision, the killer whirled and pointed his rifle at Marky. Before he could fire, Mikey coldly squeezed the trigger of his own weapon. One shot was sufficient. The killer fell, lifeless, into the cage... where the hungry tiger seemed to smile as he welcomed his latest meal.

As Marky dropped from the tree and joined his partner outside of the tiger's cage, a zoo-keeper rushed up to them. "Thank God you stopped him! What a lunatic! Running through our zoo, scaring customers, randomly killing our exhibits..."

Marky smiled grimly. "Randomly? Hardly. His victims all had one thing in common, as did the two murdered humans which set us on his trail to begin with!"

"Two humans?" echoed the zoo-keeper.

"Uh-huh," said Mikey. "A little old Irish guy, and a retired sea captain."

"But they weren't just any arbitrary targets," explained Marky. "The captain was none other than Cap'n Crunch, and the Irish guy was named Lucky! He'd led a charmed life, until today. And the animals? The Trix Rabbit was lying dead outside the gate, and this maniac dispatched Toucan Sam, Sonny the Cuckoo Bird, and the Sugar Bear before we caught up to him. Luckily, we managed to save old Tony, here," Marky finished, gesturing fondly toward the feasting tiger.

"Good Lord!" gasped the zoo-keeper. "You mean, this wacko was...?"

"That's right," said Marky. "He was a cereal killer!"

Marky, years before joining the force!

The zoo-keeper stared at Mikey. "No wonder you were able to take him out so dispassionately!"

"No surprise there," Marky said teasingly. "Mikey hates everything!"

Mikey shook his head. He joked, "Maybe, maybe not... But as for my result this time?" He smiled, and looked at what was now left of the killer. "I like it!"

Marky grinned at the zoo-keeper. "He likes it! Hey, Mikey!"

*  *  *  *  *

Thanks for your food, fellow kitties!

The Silver Fox: It's "time," not "food," you fat fur-ball! "Thanks for your time!"

Orson: Ahhh, shuddup! And just be glad I didn't have the nut-job in my story shoot a fox, awright?!?


  1. "Mikey hates everything" LOL. Very clever, Orson. You should post more often!

  2. Maybe I'd let him if he didn't leave fur all over my keyboard.

  3. Oh that is dreadful, dreadful. If I promise to send cat food will Orson please abandon puns.

  4. Hey Orson! You not only beeeeutiful -- you also smart cat!

  5. @Alan: Please excuse Orson. He's new at this.

    @AngelMay: I'm trying to explain to Orson that your profile photo is not what you really look like. He keeps asking me if I have your phone number...! (Not sure why, though, as he's been neutered.)

  6. cereal killer ha! ha! ha! sorry, I really did chuckle, and now you've been blessed with wonderful insight into my sense of humor! :) Enjoyed Orsen's post very much, and have really been enjoying YOUR comments on mine :) Thanks for the giggles, Orsen...and thanks for the friendship fox :)

  7. Neutered? All the better then. Wink Wink! Tell Orson, that's my girl and she's been spayed - so what's the problem?

  8. I think the cat you speak of can let this one go, as Orson has a completely different show. He's rather mean too, at least to you..hahaha I love it

    Cereal killer....hahahahaha

  9. Hey, Orson! That was some damn good writing! Just wondered if you'd be interested in working on a graphic novel with me. Just don't tell S.F. okay?

  10. Hey, Skip, why don't you extend a similar invitation to me? I've been wanting to break-into the graphic literature feild for years. I even have a plotline that's right down your alley. I call it Poe In Space!

  11. Hey, Sharpie! That was some damn good writing! Just wondered if you'd be interested in working on a graphic novel with me. Just don't tell S.F. okay?

  12. We're in the money...!
    We're in the money...!


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