Thursday, November 24, 2011

Advice to the Lovelorn -- A "Theme Thursday" Tomorrow Post!



Something a little different today, fellow babies, in keeping with Theme Thursday's "Tomorrow" theme!

Advice to the Lovelorn
The Best Gosh-Darned Advice You Will Ever Get About Getting Over "The One!"

Romantic relationships can be all lah-dee-dah and wonderful when both parties are in love. If one person doesn't love the other, things may very quickly turn to guano.

There are all sorts of break-up situations, and all sorts of break-up aftermath situations. Sometimes the breaker-uppers become or remain friends. I can smugly say that I'm on very good terms with both of my ex-fiancées.

But I'm not talking about that today. Hell, I'm not even talking about break-ups, necessarily.

"Okay, then, Silver Schmuck, what the... fox... are you talking about?"

Today, I'm talking about how to "get over" The One. The One woman or man that you'll either never have (due to unrequited love) or will never have again (due to a break-up).

And in order to avoid muddying the waters, here, I'm going to eschew all awkward "he/she" and "him/her" phrases and just deal with this from the point of view of a man trying to get over a woman.

Now. The good news is that you have found The One. This is the woman you have waited for your entire life, whether that life is made up of 20 years, 40 years, or more.

The bad news? Either she doesn't want you, or she does for a while, then changes her mind.

Maybe she was your girlfriend, or wife, until the split.

Maybe she likes or even loves you, but "only as a friend." (And in the wrong context, "only as a friend" can be the most painful four-word phrase in the English language!)

Maybe she's a co-worker or acquaintance who, in romantic terms, "doesn't know you exist."

Whatever the reason, you've either lost her, or you'll never have her. You're in agony, emotionally! You just barely make it through today, and you wonder "How will I ever make it through tomorrow?"

So. You want -- and, more probably, need -- to get over her merely to function in life. But you can't.

And why can't you get over her, fellow babies? Say it with me: Because she's The One!

The One. The One you waited for. The One you dreamed of. The One who's everything you ever wanted. The one you'd kill for, die for, and walk through fire for.

Getting over The One -- once you've determined that you want to, that is -- is one of the most difficult things you'll ever be faced with in your life. No exaggeration. 

How can you possibly get over her? You can't, right?

Wrong. And I'm here to help.

There is a foolproof method, but it's in two parts... and you have to be willing to do both parts or you'll fail. Dismally.

(And just for the record... I'm not trying to get over anyone at the moment... so don't personalize this to connect it to The Silver Fox! This post would be pointless to the point of being onanistic if it were directed toward myself! Heh.)

So without further ado, here it is:
  
1. Do everything in your power to insure that you'll never see her again.

2. Whenever you think about her -- and you will -- think of the negatives.

Okay, now, you know I can't be brief without imposing serious restrictions on myself, so here's where I elaborate.

1. "Do everything in your power to insure that you'll never see her again." Okay, you've long since determined that being just friends (or less) isn't gonna cut it. But everything -- everything -- about her drives you nuts! She's perfect, at least, in your eyes, and every time you see her you fall in love with her again.

So stop looking at her. No, really. You want to get her out of your life? It's time for drastic measures. She Is The One. She's so effin' wonderful, every time you see her... BAM! The Thunderbolt hits.

So stop looking at her.

"But... she lives in my apartment building." Then move. Change your flippin' address! I'm not joking.

"She works with me." Change your job. "But in this economy..." Shut up. Find a new job ASAP, and quit your current one. "Easier said than done..." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do it. I'm not joking.

"But she works at the supermarket I always go to," or "I see her all over town," or... Oh, stop. Nobody's forcing you to go anywhere or to do anything where you "have" to see her. If you really want to avoid seeing her, move to another town. You'd better believe I'm not joking.

And I never said that it was going to be easy.

Now #2. "Whenever you think about her -- and you will -- think of the negatives."

"What negatives? She's The One! She's perfect! She's effin' perfect!"

Oh, of course. Silly me. 

Sometimes you don't have to literally see The One to fall under her spell. Memories of The One and all her endearing little ways can zap you! So whenever that lovely little face intrudes upon your mind, do everything possible to put that image in a bad light.

Focus on the bad times. And if there reallllly weren't any, spin the good times into bad times.

She was so cute and giggly when she'd get a bit tipsy? No. She was a f***ing lush who drank too much!

She always had a joke to lighten every sad occasion? No. She never took anything seriously!

She was popular with all your friends? No. She encouraged all your friends to want to sleep with her!

You get the idea, I'm sure.

At least, I hope so, because I've just given you The Official Silver Fox Double Whammy Secret of How to Get Over The One, and now... You're on your own!


Thanks for your time.

51 comments:

  1. Oo la la. Vous y ete! J'aime le blog de le fox. That probably makes no sense because I don't really speak French; however, I really, really love this post. It's so intelligent and amusing, just like some of my favorite people.

    Love,
    Lola

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  2. Look at me! I was first! I must be prescient because I arrived at exactly the right moment.

    Love,
    Lola

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  3. @Lola: Either that, or you haunt Google Reader like I do!

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  4. @Lola: You read the whole thing in seven minutes and listened to the song???

    Looks like I might have to start writing LONGER POSTS!!! Hahahahahaha!

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  5. Aww...I haven't heard that song in ages. So sentimentally sad, huh.
    Interesting advise you have there. Maybe the FBI could help with a complete Witness Protection Program move, job and name change? ha.

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  6. Yes, I read it, and listened to the song. I remember Lobo. I still have him on 8 track tape. AND I voted for Halle Berry so you like the way I think!

    Love,
    Lola

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  7. @Betsy: Whatever it takes, doll. Some people are just that hard to get over. I've been using that advice for years, since I came up with the Magic Formula.

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  8. Silver this is ana amzing and nice post, and I love the song, is an amazing song:)

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  9. oh wise one...this just might work...i usually got with #3 as well which is do something to ensure you never have a chance with her again and she never some back to haunt you...sharing any of those things though that might have been done will liable to get me in legal trouble so i will leave it at that...oh and happy thanksgiving...have fun casting the turkey...

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  10. @Gloria: Yeah, the song's always been a favorite of mine.

    @Brian: #3, eh? Hmmm. Nope. No guesses from me on this one. And I hope you have fun with your bird, too.

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  11. hahaha you know this works for the crazies too. Well at least the first one, the second part isn't that hard to do. Come no where near the "one" ever. But will keep this in mind if she ever comes across my little rhyming behind.

    Orlin: "Pat, shut up! I rhyme as you drink apple juice from your cup. Fox the only part I liked was someone else "cough" you "cough" calling you a schmuck. All you humans want to do otherwise is ummm go cluck a duck.

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  12. @Pat: Some good points there, I must say.

    @Orlin: Go cluck a duck, you little fuzzball.

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  13. Hate to be late to the party...hate even worse to be the bearer of bad news but...this $&@( does not work. Trust me. The One is the One is the One. Perhaps it's just me...I do tend to lean heavily toward obsessive tendencies

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  14. Just slip out the back Jack, make a new plan Stan, no need to be coy Roy, just get yourself free.
    (Yes, Alan Burnett with his insightful comments is back!) And it looks far more like Roger than Alan. Whoever it may be, thank you my friend for featuring it.

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  15. Very good advice if you are ever lucky enough to find "The One". But at the same time very hard to do.

    Thanks for your patient for Mr. Linky and the wee wittle one thanks you too for letting his grandma be with him.

    Thanks for playing in this weeks Tomorrow Theme Thursday. A great post for the theme and I was impressed with your love knowledge.

    I hope you have a great Thanksgiving Day and get totally stuffed. So much food to eat, and enjoy.

    God bless.

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  16. Happy Thanksgiving, David. You most certainly are on my thankful list. Hope you enjoy the day and count your blessings! xo and give Orson a kiss from me, too.

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  17. PS...hilarious holiday wishes there on your sidebar. ha.

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  18. @Natasha: Really! You got this guy totally out of your life? No photos or nuttin'? And you still carry a torch? Wow. He wasn't The One. He was The One-and-a-Half!

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  19. @Alan: Sorry for the confusion. The little guy was calling to you and Roger. I'm convinced he's the puppet Roger was holding in a recent post of yours. According to my research, The Howdy Doody Show was never shown in England, but I'll bet the character made his way across the pond. After all, you've obviously heard of "our" Paul Simon. :)

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  20. @Mrsupole: I was just giving you crap cuz someone else teased me about my impatient qualities. :)

    And... my "love knowledge?" Boy, I'm gonna get teased about that one!

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  21. @Betsy: Happy T. to you, too, doll! And Orson says thanks. (Actually, he said "meow," which usually translates to "Feed me," but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt.) And I'll agree to be the middleman for a kiss any time. Well... depending on who the two bookends are!

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  22. hahahaha! Just read this to my sons. They just looked at me.

    Dyan Cannon has a book out about one of your personaes (SP) Cary Grant. I say to you "Go back to CG as your avatar!"

    Happy Thanksgiving Foxy.

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  23. Best way to get over someone: Pretend you already have them. Pretend you've had them for 20-blah years. Listen to them whine for a new sofa. Imagine them griping when you want to watch football - or do whatever it is you like to do. See them without makeup and looking like death warmed over. Add 40-leven pounds to their frame. All these things would undoubtedly happen over the years. There are (how many?) billion people in the world? Believe me, there is more than one "ONE". No one should shut their eyes to the few diamonds that pass in front of them every day (among all the cracked rhinestones) just because of some shiny thing they never could really grasp.

    Also - the pining person should consider themselves lucky. After all, who wants to live day in and day out with someone who doesn't really want them? What a horrid life that would be. Why pine for agony?

    Thus spake AngelMay, Realist.

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  24. Silver hope you had a nice Thanksgiving, :)

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  25. love your turkey in the sidebar:)

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  26. Smiled the whole time reading this piece! I'll have to try it and see, but my mind is impossible to beat! ;p

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  27. @California Girl: "They just looked at me." 'm sure you meant to write "They just looked at me and said it was brilliant," but forgot the last five words in your enthusiasm."

    And it's been a couple of years since I used a CG avatar, so hell, why not?

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  28. @AngelMay: Wow, I thought I was cynical!

    And as far as there being more than one "ONE," I agree. Maybe someday I'll do a post about what happens when you find two of them at the same time, which happened to... uhhh... a guy I know many years ago... and neither one of them wanted me... I mean, him. Heh.

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  29. @Gloria: Which turkey? The country, or the drawing, haha?!?

    @Hvninhell: Our minds can be our worst enemy, hence my quote at the top of the page.

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  30. the drawing silly! soor C.G. why you dont use your pictures?? x

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  31. maybe you are bored of be Zorro, so sad..

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  32. Maybe someday I'll do a post about what happens when you find two of them at the same time, which happened to... uhhh... a guy I know many years ago... and neither one of them wanted me... I mean, him. Heh.

    Now THAT's a story I'd like to read.
    Er....ME? Cynical? No.... just being real. Life has a way of doing that - if you live long enough - and if you live through enough.

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  33. @Gloria: Boredom has nothing to do with it. I change my avatar constantly. I've used everything from Batman to a photo of a walrus!

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  34. @AngelMay: "Now THAT's a story I'd like to read." I'll just bet you would. Haha!

    "Cynical? No.... just being real." Like there's a difference nowadays? Heh. I'm with you.

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  35. I know but I dont understand why you change always your avatar:)



    Angel May I want to tell you I love how you write, really I like:)

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  36. @Gloria: No real reason. I like doing it.

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  37. dysfunctional relationships never work

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  38. Orson sent me an email with his own translation! :) Aw, I knew he had a thing for me. ha.

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  39. @zongrik: Is there any other kind? :)

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  40. @Betsy: As I was telling someone recently, he does pretty well for a cat that's been fixed!

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  41. Oh, I love Cary Grant. Or I did when he was alive.

    Love,
    Lola

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  42. @Lola: You don't love him just because he's dead? Fickle!

    He always speaks well of you.

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  43. Archie was the most thoughtful lover I ever had. He said he never allowed any other woman to call him by his real name. Alas, I just wasn't quite as interested in him as he was in me, so I let him go; but I tried to be as gentle and kind about dumping him as I could. That's why he always speaks well of me.

    Love,
    Lola

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  44. Cannibalism may be the answer.

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  45. Wow, I'm really happy when I read how difficult it can be to forget someone you love, that he who loves me is mine. He took me as a wife for only a few months ago, after nearly three decades living together. He took me as a wife even though I am currently a shadow of myself when my back surgery went wrong: I got worse, not better. Happy that he wants to be with me although we can not run together anymore, but may take one day at a time. Wish you a wonderful weekend!

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  46. @Lola: Interesting stuff there. Can'rt wait for the book.

    @Kris: Cannibalism is often the answer, I've found.

    @4U2: What a touching story. I won'rt even make a wisecrack here. Glad someone has a great relationship.

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  47. Gems of wisdom ... :-) Getting over a lost love can be an arduous feat to accomplish!

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  48. Words of wisdom Floyd. Words of wisdom...

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