Something a little different today, fellow babies, in keeping with Theme Thursday's "Tomorrow" theme!
Advice to the Lovelorn
The Best Gosh-Darned Advice You Will Ever Get About Getting Over "The One!"
Romantic relationships can be all lah-dee-dah and wonderful when both parties are in love. If one person doesn't love the other, things may very quickly turn to guano.
There are all sorts of break-up situations, and all sorts of break-up aftermath situations. Sometimes the breaker-uppers become or remain friends. I can smugly say that I'm on very good terms with both of my ex-fiancées.
But I'm not talking about that today. Hell, I'm not even talking about break-ups, necessarily.
"Okay, then, Silver Schmuck, what the... fox... are you talking about?"
Today, I'm talking about how to "get over" The One. The One woman or man that you'll either never have (due to unrequited love) or will never have again (due to a break-up).
And in order to avoid muddying the waters, here, I'm going to eschew all awkward "he/she" and "him/her" phrases and just deal with this from the point of view of a man trying to get over a woman.
Now. The good news is that you have found The One. This is the woman you have waited for your entire life, whether that life is made up of 20 years, 40 years, or more.
The bad news? Either she doesn't want you, or she does for a while, then changes her mind.
Maybe she was your girlfriend, or wife, until the split.
Maybe she likes or even loves you, but "only as a friend." (And in the wrong context, "only as a friend" can be the most painful four-word phrase in the English language!)
Maybe she's a co-worker or acquaintance who, in romantic terms, "doesn't know you exist."
Whatever the reason, you've either lost her, or you'll never have her. You're in agony, emotionally! You just barely make it through today, and you wonder "How will I ever make it through tomorrow?"
So. You want -- and, more probably, need -- to get over her merely to function in life. But you can't.
And why can't you get over her, fellow babies? Say it with me: Because she's The One!
The One. The One you waited for. The One you dreamed of. The One who's everything you ever wanted. The one you'd kill for, die for, and walk through fire for.
Getting over The One -- once you've determined that you want to, that is -- is one of the most difficult things you'll ever be faced with in your life. No exaggeration.
How can you possibly get over her? You can't, right?
Wrong. And I'm here to help.
There is a foolproof method, but it's in two parts... and you have to be willing to do both parts or you'll fail. Dismally.
(And just for the record... I'm not trying to get over anyone at the moment... so don't personalize this to connect it to The Silver Fox! This post would be pointless to the point of being onanistic if it were directed toward myself! Heh.)
So without further ado, here it is:
1. Do everything in your power to insure that you'll never see her again.
2. Whenever you think about her -- and you will -- think of the negatives.
Okay, now, you know I can't be brief without imposing serious restrictions on myself, so here's where I elaborate.
1. "Do everything in your power to insure that you'll never see her again." Okay, you've long since determined that being just friends (or less) isn't gonna cut it. But everything -- everything -- about her drives you nuts! She's perfect, at least, in your eyes, and every time you see her you fall in love with her again.
So stop looking at her. No, really. You want to get her out of your life? It's time for drastic measures. She Is The One. She's so effin' wonderful, every time you see her... BAM! The Thunderbolt hits.
So stop looking at her.
"But... she lives in my apartment building." Then move. Change your flippin' address! I'm not joking.
"She works with me." Change your job. "But in this economy..." Shut up. Find a new job ASAP, and quit your current one. "Easier said than done..." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do it. I'm not joking.
"But she works at the supermarket I always go to," or "I see her all over town," or... Oh, stop. Nobody's forcing you to go anywhere or to do anything where you "have" to see her. If you really want to avoid seeing her, move to another town. You'd better believe I'm not joking.
And I never said that it was going to be easy.
Now #2. "Whenever you think about her -- and you will -- think of the negatives."
"What negatives? She's The One! She's perfect! She's effin' perfect!"
Oh, of course. Silly me.
Sometimes you don't have to literally see The One to fall under her spell. Memories of The One and all her endearing little ways can zap you! So whenever that lovely little face intrudes upon your mind, do everything possible to put that image in a bad light.
Focus on the bad times. And if there reallllly weren't any, spin the good times into bad times.
She was so cute and giggly when she'd get a bit tipsy? No. She was a f***ing lush who drank too much!
She always had a joke to lighten every sad occasion? No. She never took anything seriously!
She was popular with all your friends? No. She encouraged all your friends to want to sleep with her!
You get the idea, I'm sure.
At least, I hope so, because I've just given you The Official Silver Fox Double Whammy Secret of How to Get Over The One, and now... You're on your own!
Thanks for your time.