Skipping Out!

Well (as Jack Benny would have said)! After all these months, my close friend and writing partner, Skip Simpson, has decided to close... and eventually, completely delete... his solo blog, Skip's Stuff.

He called me Thursday night to tell me about it, and assured me that he won't be quitting our joint blog, Simpson/Lynch Studios, although he will probably be contributing to that a bit less. We'll see.

But in the meantime, fellow babies:

Skip's having a going-out-of-business yard sale, which you can see by clicking on this link and scoping out his sidebar! Woo-HOO!

I myself managed to pick up a few nifty items, including the painting of Skip's lady love, Sandy, which cost me a bundle and now adorns my sidebar.

The only thing not for sale yet is that picture of "me" which adorns Skip's blog. I wanna buy this before someone thinks it's really what I look like!

And here's good news, for the two or three of you SnL die-hards who still care: I also managed to purchase the rights to a few select Skip's Stuff posts -- about two dozen -- which I integrated into the Simpson/Lynch Studios blog! (So if I temporarily screwed up your Blogroll by having it show "new" SnL posts that supposedly published in 2009, that's why!) There, you'll find essential bits showing how we developed the Skipster and Foxster characters & storylines, and I -- well, the Simpson/Lynch team, technically -- even purchased the rights to the Soused Chef character!

(Of course, those were purchased with money from the Simpson/Lynch Studios joint fund, which means half of it came from Skip himself... but don't tell him that, okay?)

And in case you're wondering where I got the money to make all these crazy buys on such short notice, I paid Skip with the below-pictured bills, taken from my own collection:

Of course, at first, I simply hoped Skip wouldn't realize I'd cheated him  would know I was just trying to be funny, but then he told me that in Alabama, they still use Confederate currency.

Damn. I coulda bought the Old Fenneman Estate for myself, instead of the Foxster!

Thanks for your time.

My New Writing Style! (or, "The S**t-Faced Chef!")

I have grown to admire Skip Simpson's writings, and have decided to be just like him! That's easier said than done. It's not easy to imitate his greatness. It takes more than just letting each line end haphazardly (without using Blogger's "justify" setting) and inserting multiple commas & exclamation points, and huge spaces between paragraphs, and random capitalizations. No, no, it takes a special talent, what the French would call "merde," I believe, to duplicate his unique style! Wish me luck as I steal do tribute to one of his greatest creations!

* * * * *

Announcer: And now, gentlemen of our studio audience, and all you guys watching us on cable with your pissed-off, underage, girlfriends, we proudly present... The S**t-Faced Chef!!! (applause)

SFC: Well, halloooo dere, all you pimple humpers! (toasts Audience with his Glass of Merlot, and takes a big swig) I'm your Host, the S**t-Faced Chef, and we are, ON THE AIR!!! (applause) And who do you think that is, snoring away on the couch behind me, his Shoeless Feet polluting the air in here?

Audience (In unison): It's YACBOD!!!

SFC: You guessed it!!! YACBOD -- short for "Yet ANOTHER Character, Based On David" -- the surly [expletive deleted], who keeps Hiding my BOOZE!

Audience (In unison): BOOOOOO!!!

SFC: Now, now, remember, pippy humples, Yacbod's our Buddy!

Audience (In unison): We meant to yell, YAYYYYY, of course, SFC!!!

SFC: Boy, you guys are good! (pause, while SFC takes another swig of Merlot) Okey, dokey, before we begin, (lowers voice, adopting a sad tone) I must tell y'all, this has been a VERY bad week for the ol' SFC, money-wise.

Audience (In unison): Awwww!

SFC: Yes, drippy tribbles, early Monday morning, I walked to my favorite, antique tea-kettle, and boiled some hot water, for an Instant-Coffee, caffeine jolt.

(Studio Monitor shows SFC's photo of his tea kettle.)

SFC: After that, I proceeded to the courthouse, and faced a rather surly, unsympathetic Judge, who ordered me to pay alimony, and child support, to all my ex-wives, and their children. (takes swig of Merlot, empties glass, and starts drinking straight from the bottle)

(Monitor shows slide of Judge.)

Audience (In unison): Ooooh!

SFC: On appeal, I was sent before an even MORE unsympathetic Judge.

(Monitor shows slide of second Judge.)

Audience (In unison): OOOOOHHH!!!

SFC: On my SECOND appeal, I was sent before an even MORE unsympathetic Judge!!!

(Monitor shows slide of third Judge.)

Audience (In unison): [EXPLETIVE DELETED!!!]

SFC: [EXPLETIVE DELETED!!!], indeed!!! So that's why I'm Sad, today. And broke.

Audience (In unison): Awwww, life just isn't FAIR to you, SFC!!!

SFC: Boy, you guys are good! (pause) Which, of course, caused a problem with my new neighbor, and date, for tonight, the kindly, little, old, lady, named, LaTonga!

(Monitor shows "kindly, little, old, lady, named, LaTonga.")

Audience (In unison): Oooooh! (random whistles)

SFC: So, since I'd planned to cook for LaTonga, and myself, tonight, I was limited to what little Money I had in my wallet. So I decided to prepare a little Dish, a Spicy Delight that I call "TACO-RONI!!!" Now, the LAST time I made Macaroni & Cheese, it came out less than appetizing-looking.

(Monitor shows SFC's last attempt at Macaroni & Cheese.)

One Guy in Audience: That's gross, SFC!!!

SFC: (Emptying bottle of Merlot) Ahh, shut the [expletive deleted] up! (pause) I suppose the yard clippings I used as a Garnish didn't help. (pause) Now, where's my back-up Bottle of Cooking Sherry? (looks around kitchen in vain for bottle) Who, could have hidden it?

Audience (In unison): It was obviously YACBOD!!! It's ALWAYS Yacbod!!! Why do you ask that Question every [expletive deleted] episode, SFC??? He's ALWAYS the one who hides the Booze!!!

SFC: Holy [expletive deleted]!!! You guys are REALLY [EXPLETIVE DELETED] GOOD!!! (he finds a bottle of Liquid Drano under the sink and pours some in a Glass) Don't worry, there's a note on here from Yacbod, saying, "Don't drink THIS, stupid!!! This is REALLY Liquid Drano!!! It is NOT where I hid your booze, LOL, ROFL, ROFLMFAOUIBISAHM*!!!" (he drinks some, pauses, and shrugs) Now usually, when I make Macaroni and Cheese, I brew... I mean, I BAKE it from scratch. Now these are the usual, necessary Ingredients.

(Monitor shows usual, necessary Ingredients.)

SFC: But I said, SCREW all that, THAT costs MONEY!!! So I searched in my cupboard and found a box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner!!!

(Monitor shows antique-looking box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner.)

Guy in Audience: Looks a little OLD, SFC!!!

SFC: (taking a big gulp from his glass & belches) Well, yeah, it was. And when I opened it, it was all stuck together, and kind of Green, and Fuzzy. So, what do you think I should do now?

Audience (In unison): Wake up Yacbod, and get his lazy ass off the couch, so he can drive you to see Boopsie at your favorite supermarket, while you pick up your Supplies!!!

SFC: Well... Yes, and No. Boopsie was being continually harassed by some drunken jerk of a Customer, I recently learned, so she quit the Market and found work at a nearby Toys'R'Us!!!

Audience (In unison): That doesn't stop you from visiting her at her NEW job and playing one of your usual childish pranks on her while you're on your way to the market, DOES it, SFC???

SFC: Hey, great [expletive deleted] idea!!!

(Suiting the action to the word, SFC wakes up Yacbod, and the two of them exit the apartment. Monitor shows their brief visit to Boopsie, and the "usual, childish prank" SFC and Yacbod play on Boopsie.)

(Unfortunately, for some reason, the S**t-Faced Chef and Yacbod do not return to the studio at the end of the segment. The audience waits... and waits... and waits...)

(Finally, after several hours... The audience leaves.)

* * * * *

*[Author's note: ROFLMFAOUIBISAHM = Rolling On the Floor Laughing My [Expletive Deleted] Ass Off Until I Bang Into Something And Hurt Myself.]

* * * * *

Well, fellow babies, truth be told, there is a second part to all of this, but I'm not gonna do it unless my readers demand it... and if I don't get sued by get permission from Skip in the meantime. After all, I really doubt he's gonna do anything similar to me in his April first post!

Thanks for your ti-- I mean, Vootie!

Another Year, Shot to Hell... But Not for Me!

For several various reasons which I won't bore you with now -- which is not to say I won't bore you with 'em later -- there are times when I feel as though I'm the oldest person on the planet.

Happily, however, such is not the case. There's at least one other, and January 30th is his birthday.

My writing partner, Skip Simpson, turns... well, let's just say, "one year older"... today.

And that's the real Skip Simpson I'm talking about, by the way, not "the Skipster," Skip's doppelgänger on our joint Simpson/Lynch Studios: Pleasantview blog. (Actually, the "Skipster's" birthday is also January 30th, but he's about 20 years younger than the real Skip. I know, I know, it gets complicated... and confusing. Especially for us.)

Aside from the official cry of "Happy Birthday, old chum!" -- "chum" being a phrase you rarely encounter outside of comic books, meaning either "close companion" or "fish scraps," and in this case you can take your pick, I suppose -- I should add that this is where I'd ordinarily go on and on and on about what a great friend and great writing partner he is and has been for nearly thirty years... but he's a tad behind with my payoff checks, so I won't.

Seriously: Let's all wish Skip a happy birthday, and many more... at least until he and I decide to cancel the Simpson/Lynch Studios: Pleasantview blog. Lord knows, I'd hate to have to go it alone!

Thanks for your time.