Saturday, October 29, 2011

"David'Z RantZ" ~~ Children of the Corn



The Gates of Hell have opened, fellow babies, and the writing is on the wall!

Along with the ghosts, ghouls, and goblins associated with Halloween trick-or-treaters, the truly terrible element of this Halloween season has already reared its ugly head.

And the saddest part of this whole situation is that it's involved a close friend of mine! This is a woman whom many of my readers know... and thus, a woman whose name I shall hereby change for the sake of gallantly protecting her reputation from being smeared by this potential scandal!

I'll just call her... ummm... "Petsy."

"Petsy" (name cleverly changed to disguise her identity)

The other night, in the middle of an otherwise uneventful conversation, Petsy all-too-casually mentioned that as we chatted (I'm sorry, I can hardly even say this!), she was eating... candy corn.

That's right, freakin' candy corn!

And, supposedly, liking it.


Yes, I said "supposedly." Come on. No one really likes this crap. (And that's not just my opinion, either. It's a fact. I could easily give you dozens of links to internet articles that could prove it, but... ummm... I'm not going to.)

"You know something, Petsy?" I began, "It's proof that I'm a true friend when I tell you that learning this about you will not affect our friendship."

"Are you for real? What on earth have you got against candy corn?"

"You mean, besides the fact that it's The Confection from Hell?"

"Cute, Silver. I didn't know you were so passionate about your hate for a candy you shouldn't even eat in the first place." (Betsy... I mean, Petsy... knows I'm diabetic.)

"It's not real candy. It's not even real food. No expiration date on the bag, I'll bet. I believe it's made from some polystyrene-based compound, like Styrofoam."

"Silver, it says it's made from real honey... like myself!"

"They lie... but you don't."

"They don't lie! It's right there in the ingredients list."

I shook my head. "Forged documents for verification. Same goes for if they do list an expiration date on it. They don't have to cuz it's not real food. Don't be so easily fooled, Betsy."

"That's Petsy."

"Sorry."

"Did you know that candy corn is the only candy in American history that has never been advertised?"

"They can't advertise it, for the same reason they can no longer advertise cigarettes. It's lethal."

She continued reading. " 'Each year Americans consume enough Brach's Candy Corn that if laid end-to-end, would circle the earth 4.25 times.' "

"What they don't tell you is how many more times you could circle the earth each year with the candy corn that people won't eat, the stuff the kids turn down at Halloween. The bowl goes into the closet, and you know what? They bring the same damned candy corn out the next year, and the year after that, and the year after that...!"

"Oh, good grief! What a silly reaction! It's not as if I said that I liked those horrible Circus Peanuts..."

Circus Peanuts

*sigh* I may have to write a Part Two to this post, fellow babies...

(Petsy's quotes in the above story are 100% accurate... or only about 60-70% accurate. I'll let you know which it is whenever I decide for myself.)

Thanks for your time.

P.S. -- I should add, I'm not totally unreasonable, and may someday be persuaded...


56 comments:

  1. haha...sad to say i ate 4 candy corns tonight...it was in my popcorn...if i die tonight...please dont let me die in vain...continue these public service announcements...

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  2. I agree; candy corn is an abomination! I shudder even thinking about it. Bleah!

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  3. My name is Betsy. And I love candy corn.

    Ooo..Brian..the sweet and salty thing...love that.

    You know...you could have called me Besty. Lots of people do without even realizing it. Kind of like calling Brian Brain. ha.

    You are crazy, you know that?

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  4. @Brian: I don't think 4 is a lethal dose, but keep your phone close, just in case.

    @Roy: Agreed!

    @Betsy: "My name is Betsy. And I love candy corn." sounds like "My name is Bill. And I'm an alcoholic."

    I guess if Brian's a "brain," you must be the "best" at whatever you attempt.

    I could also have called you Pesty... but I never would. Haha!

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  5. A delightful conversation with Petsy and much fun!! We do not get candy corn here phew!!

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  6. With the Children of the Corn anyone becomes irrational.

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  7. Oh my heavens...you people make me smile, actually I laughed out loud. It's a running battle in my house, the candy corn...sorry Petsy, I have to agree with the Fox on this one...ugg, but then you add an addiction to Marshmallow peeps...double ugg. I like chocolate though....in any form :)

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  8. I love Petsy-Betsy she is so cute and nice!! gloria

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  9. The word verification is "yummm" I guess blogger gets the last word! lol....oh that is just TOO funny! That even made me forget what I was going to say here.

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  10. @Nanka: No candy corn? You're not missing a thing! Thanks for visiting, and I hope you got to see my actual Theme Thursday "Thrill" post!

    @Leovi: Ha! Good Line! Thanks for visiting, and I hope you got to see my actual Theme Thursday "Thrill" post!

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  11. @Natasha: Peeps? Yuck!

    @Gloria: Uh-oh, it looks like I started something with this "Petsy" thing. Brian already referenced it over on Pat's new post...!!!

    @Betsy: Maybe Blogger is trying to say that you're "yummy," like candy, or a dessert!

    And... I thought I killed WV on this blog???

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  12. Yeah you know you'll get no argument from me. EWWW to candy corn, the crap is nothing but left over pieces of stryofoam. Ever wonder what happens to all that stryofoam you get in packages at Christmas? There is so much of it they just slap it together with a little so called honey and jam it all together like the animal parts for a hotdog and poof you have candy corn, sounds so yummy doesn't it?

    And Petsy..haha with her zoo works really well. But so does Brain and Best

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  13. @Pat: I knew you'd back me up on this one!

    "And Petsy..haha with her zoo works really well." I am absolutely embarrassed to admit that I never made that "Petsy" connection!

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  14. haha geez Fox slipping. What you do just flip the b upside down?..haha

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  15. @Pat: Truthfully? It just came to me out of nowhere. I obviously wanted something very transparent and (hopefully) humorous that didn't even sound like a real name (like if I'd changed Brian to Ryan, for example). My first choice was "Shmetsy!"

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  16. Buying that first bag of candy corn is what starts the fall season for me. When I came home from the store with a huge bag of the tri-colored goodness last month, my husband acknowledged that fall had officially arrived. Although, he can't stand it either.
    And Peeps are my absolute favorite! Did you know there is a Peeps fan club page on facebook? Here it is, if you are interested in joining the cult...err...club http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2210445404.

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  17. @LadyCat: I knew I left Facebook for a reason... :)

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  18. Aww, Cat! Finally someone else with some taste around here! :) I agree...buying that first bag means fall has arrived. I get the whole bag to myself here, too...and I'm glad of that.

    Can't say I like Peeps, though.

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  19. @Betsy: With all the good stuff you bake, you can keep the damned candy corn!

    Now... What's for dessert?

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  20. OOh, that sounds like a leading question. lol....Well, certainly not peeps. Not sure how I got accused of an addiction to those! ha.

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  21. @Betsy: A leading question? Me? Perish the thought, milady! But you know I can't eat just any dessert. I want something sweet, of course, but it can't have any added sugar...

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  22. No kidding. This is hardly the first dessert I've ever baked for you, Silver.

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  23. @Betsy: Well... I've already made up my mind as to what I want.

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  24. Well, that's encouraging, anyway.

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  25. That's why I picked it, actually...

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  26. So, which is it? Peeps, candy corn, or circus peanuts? No, how about a Zero bar? Isn't that more your style?

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  27. So many choices! Is this going to be a selfish night for me?

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  28. choices? I thought you already knew what you wanted! ha Maybe you should just have some ice water. lol...

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  29. ...and leave the bottle. Actually, make it tap water... and leave the sink!

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  30. lol...you crack me up. OK...I think I'll leave myself now....you stick your head in that sink of cold water. ha.

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  31. I thought you were going to end this game by running away from me, haha!

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  32. Too bad. You could have served leftovers from 2004... or old tires... and I probably wouldn't have noticed!

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  33. I'm not that fond of candy corn, but I absolutely adore candy pumpkins. I know some folks might ask, What's the diff? But there's a subtle superiority in the candy pumpkin. It's an insouciant snippy little candy with a woody flavor that curls my hair.

    Love,
    Lola

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  34. @LOLA: Candy pumpkins? Yes! It's the stem! Best part. Not like that little wannabe baby tooth that tops off the candy corn!

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  35. Thank God! At last I've found a man who understand me.

    Love,
    Lola

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  36. @LOLA: Hm. Every time I find a woman that understands me, she doesn't want me! (I suppose that's a rather direct cause-and-effect kinda thing, y'know?)

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  37. Thanks for stopping by Silver, lol

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  38. Gloria: Well, I told you I wanted to see your cupcakes!

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  39. @Gloria: I'm surprised you came here to thank me, instead of on your own blog... or Betsy's, for that matter! :)

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  40. he,he (I dont like "ha,ha") happens I dont answer still in my blog and the Betsy or pesy blog I talk when you are there! but I come to your blog and comment!

    gloria

    Nice avatar!

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  41. I know your are kidding me! gloria

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  42. @Gloria: Yeah, I'm just teasing you. :)

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  43. "I want something sweet, of course, but it can't have any added sugar..."

    --huh? LOl.

    I'm so with you on that candy corn stuff, even though I do have a terribly sweet too!

    This was very funny. Ty for the laughs. Love it when you get in that creative muse. Petsy is just going to get all too corny if she keeps that up! LOL.

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  44. @MMm: "I want something sweet, of course, but it can't have any added sugar..." refers to the fact that I'm diabetic. My desserts have to be made with artificial sweetener. (Not that anyone makes desserts for me very often!)

    Oops. Another "Petsy" carry-over. She's gonna strangle me! :)

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  45. Silver I dont have idea you were diabetic, you was so nice stopping by my cakes because you cant eat! but I make a lot of meals are not sweet.
    My dad and brother are diabetic so I prepare sometimes to them
    desserts with artificial sweetener.

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  46. @Gloria: It's nice to know that if I ever visit your country, you can cook me something I can safely eat, haha! (Or should that be "hehe?")

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  47. With pleasure I would cook for you, I love cook to friends, you can say ha,ha or he,he how you like is not matter!!

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  48. You'd cook for me? Awwww... I'd definitely bring you seashells!

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  49. Of course I would love cook for you! gloria

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  50. @Gloria: I can pay you in seashells, too!

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  51. @Gloria: Well, you're easy to get along with, haha!

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  52. @Gloria: If I eat there enough, your home will end up looking like a beach!

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