"David'Z RantZ" ~~ Children of the Corn

The Gates of Hell have opened, fellow babies, and the writing is on the wall!

Along with the ghosts, ghouls, and goblins associated with Halloween trick-or-treaters, the truly terrible element of this Halloween season has already reared its ugly head.

And the saddest part of this whole situation is that it's involved a close friend of mine! This is a woman whom many of my readers know... and thus, a woman whose name I shall hereby change for the sake of gallantly protecting her reputation from being smeared by this potential scandal!

I'll just call her... ummm... "Petsy."

"Petsy" (name cleverly changed to disguise her identity)

The other night, in the middle of an otherwise uneventful conversation, Petsy all-too-casually mentioned that as we chatted (I'm sorry, I can hardly even say this!), she was eating... candy corn.

That's right, freakin' candy corn!

And, supposedly, liking it.

Yes, I said "supposedly." Come on. No one really likes this crap. (And that's not just my opinion, either. It's a fact. I could easily give you dozens of links to internet articles that could prove it, but... ummm... I'm not going to.)

"You know something, Petsy?" I began, "It's proof that I'm a true friend when I tell you that learning this about you will not affect our friendship."

"Are you for real? What on earth have you got against candy corn?"

"You mean, besides the fact that it's The Confection from Hell?"

"Cute, Silver. I didn't know you were so passionate about your hate for a candy you shouldn't even eat in the first place." (Betsy... I mean, Petsy... knows I'm diabetic.)

"It's not real candy. It's not even real food. No expiration date on the bag, I'll bet. I believe it's made from some polystyrene-based compound, like Styrofoam."

"Silver, it says it's made from real honey... like myself!"

"They lie... but you don't."

"They don't lie! It's right there in the ingredients list."

I shook my head. "Forged documents for verification. Same goes for if they do list an expiration date on it. They don't have to cuz it's not real food. Don't be so easily fooled, Betsy."

"That's Petsy."

"Sorry."

"Did you know that candy corn is the only candy in American history that has never been advertised?"

"They can't advertise it, for the same reason they can no longer advertise cigarettes. It's lethal."

She continued reading. " 'Each year Americans consume enough Brach's Candy Corn that if laid end-to-end, would circle the earth 4.25 times.' "

"What they don't tell you is how many more times you could circle the earth each year with the candy corn that people won't eat, the stuff the kids turn down at Halloween. The bowl goes into the closet, and you know what? They bring the same damned candy corn out the next year, and the year after that, and the year after that...!"

"Oh, good grief! What a silly reaction! It's not as if I said that I liked those horrible Circus Peanuts..."

Circus Peanuts

*sigh* I may have to write a Part Two to this post, fellow babies...

(Petsy's quotes in the above story are 100% accurate... or only about 60-70% accurate. I'll let you know which it is whenever I decide for myself.)

Thanks for your time.

P.S. -- I should add, I'm not totally unreasonable, and may someday be persuaded...