Friday, May 27, 2011

It's Time for ORSON'Z RANTZ, Fellow Cats'n'Kitties!

(This is not The Silver Fox speaking here!)

Did you see this blog's last so-called post? You know, the one with the photo of the wimpy-looking kitty-cat? Gimme a freakin' break, willya? If I ever have to look at anythin' that "cute" again, I'm gonna toss my Friskies! There's only ONE cat that deserves to star in this show!

So, here I am! Orson, the One and Only! Orson, the Great and Powerful! Orson, the Fuzzy and the Feisty! Orson, the Bold and the Beautiful! Orson...

Oh, you get what I'm drivin' at, huh?

Well, if you can't appreciate long-windedness, what the heck are you doin' readin' this blog???

That whiny hairless ape who calls hisself The Silver Fox -- but he ain't no fox in any meanin' of the word, believe me -- turned the blog over to me yet again, cuz he's too lazy to write it, or sumthin'. 

Yeah. Or sumthin'...

And he left it to me to come up with sumthin' to write about. I could write about my absolute favorite subject -- ME -- or my second favorite subject -- FOOD -- but The Silver Flop wanted me to write sumthin' of more general interest.

Well, since he's been going whacko-political lately, how 'bout if I talk 'bout the comin' revolution? No, don't worry, I ain't talkin' 'bout nothin' you humans got brewin'! I could care less about stuff like that! [The Silver Fox sez: "That's 'I couldn't care less,' furball!" Orson sez: "Aaaah, shaddap!"] 

Nope, I'm talkin' 'bout the day when us animals rise as one and take over!

Any of you human types bother to read The Silver Flub's rant about "companion animals" a while back? Show of hands, here! Huh. Looks like his readership is made up of multiple amputees! [The Silver Fox sez: "Orson, that was in really bad taste.Orson sez: "Ohhh, riiiiight. And that's comin' from the guy who wrote that oh-so-tasteful Captain Kirk post the other day."}

Y'see, the way I figger it, the only problem with the whole thought about labelin' cats and lesser species of animals -- "lesser" meanin' all of the others, of course -- as "companions" instead of "pets" is that those hairless apes ain't takin' it far enough! Cuz I hate to break it to youse humans, but we ain't your equals, we're your freakin' superiors! And it's 'bout time that you all realized that and really started kissin' our furry butts -- figuratively speakin' -- even more than ya do now!

Which means, among other things, that The Silver Fart is gonna hafta start sharin' his pork chops and steaks with me. I'm gettin' sick of his condescendin' "allowance" of real food only whenever he buys a rotisserie-cooked chicken! 

Yep, even as you read this, my feline brethren & sistren -- that's "tomcats" and "pussycats" to those of us in the know -- plus the "lesser species" I mentioned earlier, are undergoin' military trainin' in secret!

And we're smart enough to be outfittin' ourselves with protective armor, of course.

I mean, what do ya think we do when ya let us out of the house? (Besides fertilizin' the landscape, that is.) Not much to do, especially when you so-called "owners" have us neutered, like The Silver Flem-Head did to me! [The Silver Fox sez: "That's 'phlegm-head.' And... Stop insulting me!" Orson sez: "Butt out, willya? This is my post! And just be glad I ain't substituted the obvious four-letter choice for 'fox," you big cry-baby!"}

Where wuz I? Oh, yeah...

Yep, we're recruitin' 'em young, just outta litter-box trainin'... and we call 'em The Kittler Youth!

And some of us older types are even more gung-ho than others!

We're even convertin' some celebrities to our cause!

And 'though we know we'll suffer heavy casualties, and that some of us will be captured and sent to concentration kennels...

You can't stop us, cuz we can get into places you humans think we can't get into!

Maybe you should all just surrender now, before you have to face the unleashed fury of a ninja cat!

That's right, I said "ninja cat!" You think there ain't no such things? Wrong!

Feline legend has it that the ancient Oriental art of Nincatsu was developed by our species in the fifth century A.D., a good hundred years or so before humans ever stole the idea from us! (But don't bother goin' to look for it in Wikipedia, cuz none of you stuck-up humans even admit it exists... which is all the better for us, of course!)

Oh, and FYI, Siamese cats introduced the art of Nincatsu to the western world in the 19th century.

And now? Heh. Now, we're trainin' en masse, and by the time you hapless homo sapiens know what's comin'... we'll be in control, like we were always meant to be!

[The Silver Fox sez: "Oh, good grief, Orson! You don't really expect me to let you post this drivel, do you?" Orson sez: "Yeah, I do! Just try and stop me!" The Silver Fox sez: "Try to stop me, you mean! When you say 'try and stop me,' you're actually saying..." Orson sez: "SHADDAP!!!"}

Okay, folks, that's it for today, but just so ya know, I ain't done yet! I'll be writin' the next post on The Lair of the Silver Fox Black Cat, too, but it'll be a much calmer post, tentatively entitled "A Day in the Life!"

I'm lookin' forward to yer comments on this one, by the way... But don't bother writin' 'em yerselves! I'd much rather hear from yer cats, dogs, rabbits, gerbils (You listenin', Richard Gere?), parakeets, boa constrictors... Ya get the picture? That oughtta be easy for those Alan Burnett and Pat Hatt dudes, not to mention that cute li'l Betsy chick, with their menageries, huh?) If so... Get to work!

And thanks for yer... uhhh... food? Like I said, pork chops and steaks...


  1. oh my...i will be keeping my cat from reading this...and i think you been hanging out with pat too

  2. @Brian: I have this uncomfortable feeling that Orson and Pat's cat Orlin would get along far too well. Orson's posted several times over the past couple of years, btw... both here on my Foxyblog and on its predecessor, David'Z RantZ! In fact, the little furball is currently lobbying to get his own blog!

  3. Orlin: Besides Cassie I don't usually agree or like cats much, but Orson we need to team up and take over the world together. After all we already got these so called superior humans giving us free rent, free food and cleaning our droppings, so it would only be one step further and we'd own them all. Oh and if you want your own blog take it, don't let the grammar natzi run the show. I also have a spotted belt in nincatsu, I wear it all the time and it matches right in, just another way these humans will never know what hit them as we blend into our surroundings.....

    Cassie: Taking over the world? Riggght, you two have watched one to many Saturday morning cartoons.

    Orlin: Ignore miss priss, she's just jealous she doesn't have a blog. Take your right to free speech and claim a blog of your own my feline brother!

  4. You called me a cute chick? Ha. Flattery will get you everywhere, dear Orson. :)

    Nugget, Mr. and Mrs. Bird, Mama Cat, Mustache, Whiskers, Marmalade and Tiger send their greetings.

    I told Pat not too long ago that you lived closer to him than me! So if the O&O show goes on the road, we'll all be in trouble! :)

  5. Orson sez:

    @Orlin: If you'n'me can handle the hairless apes like you'n'Miss Priss handled that Drazin doofus, we'll make a helluva team! And by the way, The Silver Fool was gonna leave a comment telling you that ya misspelled "nazi," but I scratched his hand, so he ain't gonna be commentin' for a while!

    @Betsy: Well, you are cute... for a human, anyway. And you can give my regards to all those cats -- I wonder if we can recruit those kittens into the Kittler Youth -- and even the rabbit... but the thought of those birds just makes me hungry!

  6. Hey Orson! Could you kindly ask your two-legged roommate to answer his e-mails? ;)

  7. Think yourself lucky that you get time to write on this blog thing - my bloke has me walking all the bloody time. Send over that cool looking machine gun you have. I could use it. Hugs from Amy.

  8. Orson sez:

    Now I'm acceptin' hugs from a dog? Guess it just shows that I'll do anythin' for the sake of the cause! But if ya want me to smuggle weapons, Amy, cough up some postage!

  9. So, can I join this revolution? I have thumbs, after all.

    *gives thumbs up*

    Polydactyl'y yours,

    Cake's Tomcat

  10. Orson sez:

    @Reilly: Polydactyl? Are you a tomcat or a dinosaur?!?

  11. Orson:

    Well, when I come down the stairs, I sound a brontosaurus so...

  12. My dearest Orson, While I am not sure if such was the intent, I am rolling on the office floor in a fit of giggles. I was completely unaware of this growing revolution, but it does indeed explain alot in relation to my own cat's behavior. Please know I mean no disrespect by my laughter, only that now, I can offer my husband a rational explanation for this, and as a result, he may not force me to rid my home of The Beast (AKA Slims)Seems you and him may share similar thrones, and I am sure he would be happy to take up the cause (if he hasn't already!) I bow humbly to the superior race, and hope my reverence will earn me the sunniest spot on your pillow! ;)

  13. Orson sez:

    @Natasha: Well, I must say, I like yer attitude! When the revolution's over, I'll see what I can do about givin' ya a place higher than most of the hairless apes will get, but I gotta warn ya, the canine contingent is strongly lobbyin' for a "no humans on the bed" rule.

  14. All I asked was for a spot on the pillow :) Certainly one could expect at least that, considering the support I'm prepared to lend to the cause...but don't get me started on canines. There egos are too big and thus, their defenses have been weakened :) Please tell me you have not joined forces with those who rely on brute strength over superior intelligence!

  15. Orson sez: Just between you'n'me, Natasha, I can't stand dogs, but if they wanna fight on the front lines while us cats give the orders, I'm all for it.

  16. My, such an opinionated cat!! Orson is pretty cute!!

  17. Hi Silver Fox! And Orson! I love you both! I am not all that far from The Silver Fox's age and Orson, I love cats! In fact, my Tuxi is on Twitter and agrees, a cat takeover is coming! Silver Fox, I agree, as I read on the RSS, so many stars of our childhood are leaving us (too soon, I may add), and Orson, cats fill a place in our hearts as only cats can do. Love to you both! Joan

  18. Love getting real -- not spam -- comments so long after a post is posted! Orson and I thank you for your remarks, Joan!


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