Saturday, February 13, 2010

The THIRD Installment of "The Best of David'Z RantZ!"

This week marks the second anniversary of David'Z RantZ, the blog I "retired" in March of last year. In David'Z RantZ, I often took the minor annoyances of life and blew them way out of proportion. I had a few regular readers, but once I started my "Foxyblog" and got involved with the Theme Thursday crowd, my readership really increased. Still, I often feel that a lot of my current readers missed out on some really good RantZ.

So, today and for the next four days, I'll be posting "The Best of David'Z RantZ." Where necessary, I've done the most minor of edits.

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Take My Wife... and My Wife... and My Wife...

I've seen a lot of articles about fundamentalist Mormons, the ones who practice plural marriage. Personally, I think the Powers That Be were pretty much content to ignore the whole issue in hopes that it would eventually go away -- fat chance -- but with the 2006 debut of HBO's "Big Love," people suddenly realized that stuff like this was still going on.

I'm not going to discuss my views on the morality (or immorality) of polygamy. I've got enough problems of my own. Nope, this time I just want to respond to a few people... Okay, a few guys... that I've talked to about the subject. They all seem to think it'd be great having more than one wife, so you could basically sleep with more than one woman and yet, not be cheating on any of them.

Okay, reality check here, gents: These aren't just multiple sex partners. They're multiple wives. There's a difference.

Old joke: "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing."

You think you'll be getting more in the way of sexual variety, and plenty of it? Dudes, what you'll be getting is married-people sex. Way different. Like, "What's the definition of foreplay once you're married?" "One hour of begging." That kinda different. Between kids and day-to-day stress and the idea of "doing it" with the same person in (generally) the same position, day after day after day... Variety? No. Taking a bad situation and multiplying it times... whatever amount? Yeah, probably.

Okay, some of you are saying, "My marriage is different. My partner and I still have a healthy sex life." Really. Congratulations. You six people can stop reading now. Everybody else? You're stuck with me until the end of the page.

"Marriage is an institution. I'm not ready for an institution." -- Mae West.

Think about it. By that token, having three wives is like serving three concurrent jail terms. In fact, since Mormons frown on divorce, it'd be more like three concurrent life sentences.

Ohhh, yeah. Sign me up.

You guys are picturing orgies. Uh-uh. Try picturing -- for just one quick example -- three times the nagging. "Aarrgh! I just got this one to shut up, and now the other one starts!"

But please don't misunderstand me. I'm not putting down women, here. No, really. Marriage... well... maybe. But women? No.

I actually have a great deal of respect for women, if for no other reason than this:
They're much too smart to want multiple husbands.

Thanks for your time.

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Tomorrow: We get bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with a post entitled "Time Scurries On!"


  1. Oh ( squinting ), "MORMONS"... I thought it said "morons" (where's my specs?)...and I'm the bachelor of the family...'nuff said!!

  2. That picture should give any guy nightmares! LOL! The Mister always said one is enough. And I'm not the nagging type. ha.

    Your arm? Did I miss something there?

  3. My left arm has been hurting a lot for three days. I'll be calling my doctor on Monday. It could be carpal tunnel syndrome -- no surprise there, after all the typing I've been doing -- pr a pinched nerve, or one of three other things. Luckily, I have several blog posts already written and scheduled.


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