Monday, April 24, 2017

Orson'Z RantZ: The Coming Revolution!

Here's a reprinted post from 5/27/2011, heavily edited to update it!


(This is not The Silver Fox speaking here!)

Did you see this blog's so-called post on May 25th, 2011? If not, don't bother clickin' on the link! It featured a photo of a wimpy-looking kitty-cat! Gimme a freakin' break, willya? If I ever have to look at anythin' that "cute" again, I'm gonna toss my Friskies! There's only ONE cat that deserves to star in this show!

So, here I am! Orson, the One and Only! Orson, the Great and Powerful! Orson, the Fuzzy and the Feisty! Orson, the Bold and the Beautiful! Orson...

Oh, you get what I'm drivin' at, huh?

Well, if you can't appreciate long-windedness, what the heck are you doin' readin' this blog???

That whiny hairless ape who calls hisself The Silver Fox -- but he ain't no fox in any meanin' of the word, believe me -- turned the blog over to me yet again, cuz he's too lazy to write it, or sumthin'. 

Yeah. Or sumthin'...

And he left it to me to come up with sumthin' to write about. I could write about my absolute favorite subject -- ME -- or my second favorite subject -- FOOD -- but The Silver Flop wanted me to write sumthin' of more general interest.

Well, how 'bout if I talk 'bout the comin' revolution? No, don't worry, I ain't talkin' 'bout nothin' you humans got brewin'! I could care less about stuff like that! [The Silver Fox sez: "That's 'I couldn't care less,' furball!" Orson sez: "Aaaah, shaddap!"] 

Nope, I'm talkin' 'bout the day when us animals rise as one and take over!

Any of you human types been readin' this blog long enough to see The Silver Flub's rant about "companion animals" a few years back? Show of hands, here! Huh. Looks like his readership is made up of multiple amputees! [The Silver Fox sez: "Orson, that was in really bad taste.Orson sez: "Ohhh, riiiiight. And that's comin' from the guy who wrote that oh-so-tasteful Captain Kirk post on May 18th, 2011."]

Y'see, the way I figger it, the only problem with the whole thought about labelin' cats and lesser species of animals -- "lesser" meanin' all of the others, of course -- as "companions" instead of "pets" is that those hairless apes ain't takin' it far enough! Cuz I hate to break it to youse humans, but we ain't your equals, we're your freakin' superiors! And it's 'bout time that you all realized that and really started kissin' our furry butts -- figuratively speakin' -- even more than ya do now!

Which means, among other things, that The Silver Fart is gonna hafta start sharin' his pork chops and steaks with me. I'm gettin' sick of his condescendin' "allowance" of real food only whenever he buys a rotisserie-cooked chicken! 


Yep, even as you read this, my feline brethren & sistren -- that's "tomcats" and "pussycats" to those of us in the know -- plus the "lesser species" I mentioned earlier, are undergoin' military trainin' in secret!

And we're smart enough to be outfittin' ourselves with protective armor, of course.


I mean, what do ya think we do when ya let us out of the house? (Besides fertilizin' the landscape, that is.) Not much to do, especially when you so-called "owners" have us neutered, like The Silver Flem-Head did to me! [The Silver Fox sez: "That's 'phlegm-head.' And... Stop insulting me!" Orson sez: "Butt out, willya? This is my post! And just be glad I ain't substituted the obvious four-letter choice for 'fox," you big cry-baby!"}

Where wuz I? Oh, yeah...

Yep, we're recruitin' 'em young, just outta litter-box trainin'... and we call 'em The Kittler Youth!


And some of us older types are even more gung-ho than others!


We're even convertin' some celebrities to our cause!


And 'though we know we'll suffer heavy casualties, and that some of us will be captured and sent to concentration kennels...


You can't stop us, cuz we can get into places you humans think we can't get into!


Maybe you should all just surrender now, before you have to face the unleashed fury of a ninja cat!



That's right, I said "ninja cat!" You think there ain't no such things? Wrong!


Feline legend has it that the ancient Oriental art of Nincatsu was developed by our species in the fifth century A.D., a good hundred years or so before humans ever stole the idea from us! (But don't bother goin' to look for it in Wikipedia, cuz none of you stuck-up humans even admit it exists... which is all the better for us, of course!)

Oh, and FYI, Siamese cats introduced the art of Nincatsu to the western world in the 19th century.


And now? Heh. Now, we're trainin' en masse, and by the time you hapless homo sapiens know what's comin'... we'll be in control, like we were always meant to be!


[The Silver Fox sez: "Oh, good grief, Orson! You don't really expect me to let you post this drivel, do you?" Orson sez: "Yeah, I do! Just try and stop me!" The Silver Fox sez: "Try to stop me, you mean! When you say 'try and stop me,' you're actually saying..." Orson sez: "SHADDAP!!!"}

Okay, folks, that's it for today. I'm lookin' forward to yer comments on this one... But don't bother writin' 'em yerselves! I'd much rather hear from yer cats, dogs, rabbits, gerbils (You listenin', Richard Gere?), parakeets, boa constrictors... Ya get the picture? If so... Get to work!

And thanks for yer... uhhh... food? Like I said, pork chops and steaks...

26 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. He's doing fine. He's happy as long as he's fed. He turns 13 this August.

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    2. Yes I remember he is old David, are many years for a cat ! I love Orson's post!

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    3. I should have him write more often.

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  2. haha Orson always has the best posts, even with the ands and coulds. The silver fool should feed you better if he wants correct grammar. We snickered at the amputee line, guess we just have good taste too.

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  3. I remember this posted the first time! Gee, Orson, you need a better profile picture. Ask Silver for a professional portrait!
    I also forgot that you are just as wordy as your owner...yep, you are! (ducks....)

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    Replies
    1. That photo was taken was Orson was just a young'un.

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    2. You're making my point for me! :)

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    3. It wouldn't be the first time...

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  4. Loved the CATalog of CATankerous kitties! Yet, I see you managed to set Orson right on some grammatical mistakes so the laugh is on him. Even if they take over the world, he'll have to hire you to write his dictatorial speeches.

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  5. I like Orson already! Though he really needs to stop insulting the hand that feeds him.

    And I just realized you changed your blog tagline from the "I'll see you when I see you" blog. Love it!

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    Replies
    1. Orson's written a few posts on this blog and my previous blog, David'Z RantZ.. He's always pretty feisty.

      Yeah, I changed my tagline a little while ago. It seemed appropriate.

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  6. Orson, I'm shocked. You are so vocal and so violent. Keep giving that foxman orders. He needs your help.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. Orson's written several posts in the past, and even an original fictional story. He's usually in a rather cantankerous mood when he comes here, but much mellower on a day-to-day basis.

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  7. Kittler youth...haha that's a killer! I don't have a companion animal yet, therefore am posting myself...but absolutely agree with you, Orson that you are superior to humans, would probably do a better job than us on climate- and war- control any day...

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    Replies
    1. At least he believes climate change is real...

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  8. Shhh! We aren't supposed to warn our human slaves of the coming revolution! Not that they listen. Would you believe that when I give my human slave orders, she just says, "Meow... yes, I understand." It's like she's not even listening. Oh, she'll listen when her feeding times are at my will instead of the other way around! Hahaha!
    Doree Weller

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    Replies
    1. Orson sez: You're right, the hairless apes never listen. That's why I felt safe writin' that post!

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  9. Oh, I loved some of those kitty pics! Especially the one being held up by the gun. :)

    Susan A Eames at
    Travel, Fiction and Photos

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    Replies
    1. Cats can be cute even when they're being vicious.

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  10. What a puuuurrrrrrfect post. Excellent with the kitty pics.

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    Replies
    1. Glad you enjoyed it. By the way, I don't recognize your name. How did you find my blog?

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