Thursday, April 1, 2010

My New Writing Style! (or, "The S**t-Faced Chef!")

I have grown to admire Skip Simpson's writings, and have decided to be just like him! That's easier said than done. It's not easy to imitate his greatness. It takes more than just letting each line end haphazardly (without using Blogger's "justify" setting) and inserting multiple commas & exclamation points, and huge spaces between paragraphs, and random capitalizations. No, no, it takes a special talent, what the French would call "merde," I believe, to duplicate his unique style! Wish me luck as I steal do tribute to one of his greatest creations!

* * * * *

Announcer: And now, gentlemen of our studio audience, and all you guys watching us on cable with your pissed-off, underage, girlfriends, we proudly present... The S**t-Faced Chef!!! (applause)

SFC: Well, halloooo dere, all you pimple humpers! (toasts Audience with his Glass of Merlot, and takes a big swig) I'm your Host, the S**t-Faced Chef, and we are, ON THE AIR!!! (applause) And who do you think that is, snoring away on the couch behind me, his Shoeless Feet polluting the air in here?

Audience (In unison): It's YACBOD!!!

SFC: You guessed it!!! YACBOD -- short for "Yet ANOTHER Character, Based On David" -- the surly [expletive deleted], who keeps Hiding my BOOZE!

Audience (In unison): BOOOOOO!!!

SFC: Now, now, remember, pippy humples, Yacbod's our Buddy!

Audience (In unison): We meant to yell, YAYYYYY, of course, SFC!!!

SFC: Boy, you guys are good! (pause, while SFC takes another swig of Merlot) Okey, dokey, before we begin, (lowers voice, adopting a sad tone) I must tell y'all, this has been a VERY bad week for the ol' SFC, money-wise.

Audience (In unison): Awwww!

SFC: Yes, drippy tribbles, early Monday morning, I walked to my favorite, antique tea-kettle, and boiled some hot water, for an Instant-Coffee, caffeine jolt.

(Studio Monitor shows SFC's photo of his tea kettle.)

SFC: After that, I proceeded to the courthouse, and faced a rather surly, unsympathetic Judge, who ordered me to pay alimony, and child support, to all my ex-wives, and their children. (takes swig of Merlot, empties glass, and starts drinking straight from the bottle)

(Monitor shows slide of Judge.)

Audience (In unison): Ooooh!

SFC: On appeal, I was sent before an even MORE unsympathetic Judge.

(Monitor shows slide of second Judge.)

Audience (In unison): OOOOOHHH!!!

SFC: On my SECOND appeal, I was sent before an even MORE unsympathetic Judge!!!

(Monitor shows slide of third Judge.)

Audience (In unison): [EXPLETIVE DELETED!!!]

SFC: [EXPLETIVE DELETED!!!], indeed!!! So that's why I'm Sad, today. And broke.

Audience (In unison): Awwww, life just isn't FAIR to you, SFC!!!

SFC: Boy, you guys are good! (pause) Which, of course, caused a problem with my new neighbor, and date, for tonight, the kindly, little, old, lady, named, LaTonga!

(Monitor shows "kindly, little, old, lady, named, LaTonga.")

Audience (In unison): Oooooh! (random whistles)

SFC: So, since I'd planned to cook for LaTonga, and myself, tonight, I was limited to what little Money I had in my wallet. So I decided to prepare a little Dish, a Spicy Delight that I call "TACO-RONI!!!" Now, the LAST time I made Macaroni & Cheese, it came out less than appetizing-looking.

(Monitor shows SFC's last attempt at Macaroni & Cheese.)

One Guy in Audience: That's gross, SFC!!!

SFC: (Emptying bottle of Merlot) Ahh, shut the [expletive deleted] up! (pause) I suppose the yard clippings I used as a Garnish didn't help. (pause) Now, where's my back-up Bottle of Cooking Sherry? (looks around kitchen in vain for bottle) Who, could have hidden it?

Audience (In unison): It was obviously YACBOD!!! It's ALWAYS Yacbod!!! Why do you ask that Question every [expletive deleted] episode, SFC??? He's ALWAYS the one who hides the Booze!!!

SFC: Holy [expletive deleted]!!! You guys are REALLY [EXPLETIVE DELETED] GOOD!!! (he finds a bottle of Liquid Drano under the sink and pours some in a Glass) Don't worry, there's a note on here from Yacbod, saying, "Don't drink THIS, stupid!!! This is REALLY Liquid Drano!!! It is NOT where I hid your booze, LOL, ROFL, ROFLMFAOUIBISAHM*!!!" (he drinks some, pauses, and shrugs) Now usually, when I make Macaroni and Cheese, I brew... I mean, I BAKE it from scratch. Now these are the usual, necessary Ingredients.

(Monitor shows usual, necessary Ingredients.)

SFC: But I said, SCREW all that, THAT costs MONEY!!! So I searched in my cupboard and found a box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner!!!

(Monitor shows antique-looking box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner.)

Guy in Audience: Looks a little OLD, SFC!!!

SFC: (taking a big gulp from his glass & belches) Well, yeah, it was. And when I opened it, it was all stuck together, and kind of Green, and Fuzzy. So, what do you think I should do now?

Audience (In unison): Wake up Yacbod, and get his lazy ass off the couch, so he can drive you to see Boopsie at your favorite supermarket, while you pick up your Supplies!!!

SFC: Well... Yes, and No. Boopsie was being continually harassed by some drunken jerk of a Customer, I recently learned, so she quit the Market and found work at a nearby Toys'R'Us!!!

Audience (In unison): That doesn't stop you from visiting her at her NEW job and playing one of your usual childish pranks on her while you're on your way to the market, DOES it, SFC???

SFC: Hey, great [expletive deleted] idea!!!

(Suiting the action to the word, SFC wakes up Yacbod, and the two of them exit the apartment. Monitor shows their brief visit to Boopsie, and the "usual, childish prank" SFC and Yacbod play on Boopsie.)

(Unfortunately, for some reason, the S**t-Faced Chef and Yacbod do not return to the studio at the end of the segment. The audience waits... and waits... and waits...)

(Finally, after several hours... The audience leaves.)

* * * * *

*[Author's note: ROFLMFAOUIBISAHM = Rolling On the Floor Laughing My [Expletive Deleted] Ass Off Until I Bang Into Something And Hurt Myself.]

* * * * *

Well, fellow babies, truth be told, there is a second part to all of this, but I'm not gonna do it unless my readers demand it... and if I don't get sued by get permission from Skip in the meantime. After all, I really doubt he's gonna do anything similar to me in his April first post!

Thanks for your ti-- I mean, Vootie!


  1. This was great! Now you will have more time for great writing without facebook. I on the other hand, have to have a place to hang out with the skipster other than on the phone. Thanks for an entertaining evening

  2. Hahaha!!! That was freakin' HILARIOUS!!! Who was the poor sap you were making fun of? Gawd, I can't wait to see his face when he reads this!!! Hahaha!!!

  3. Har! *I'm* not drinking Merlot either. Icky stuff. And I'm ESPECIALLY not drinking White Zinfandel. Puke. That's the stuff people bring to your house when they visit and then you take it back to them when you visit and they take it to someone else's when they visit and so forth and so on...yada yada yada. Kind of like a fruitcake.

    Mac and Cheese from a box? Macaroni in neon yellow goo. Ptui! You can't cook any better than I can, Fox. ;o)

  4. @Sandy: What do you mean, "without Facebook?"

    @Skip: Ummm... You don't know him.

    @AngelMay: I don't know how to break this to you, darlin', but Skip drinks White Zinfandel...

  5. Pimple humpers? I love it. Well, I don't really like humping pimples but you know what I mean. Hey! Where'd you get that picture of me working out? All I have to say is that Taco-Roni gave me the Fart-A-Roni's.

    No wonder you don't have time for FB. Happy retirement, sorta.

  6. i see that the end of facebook is a whole new beginning for you silver dont hurt yourself rolling ont he floor.

  7. Status Update
    Sparkle Plenty is drinking coffee.

  8. Status Update
    Sparkle Plenty is reading Silver's post.

  9. Status Update
    Sparkle Plenty is laughing.

  10. Status Update
    Sparkle Plenty will stop providing Facebook-like soundbites now.

  11. Status Update
    Sparkle Plenty could not resist.

  12. @Sparkle: What the hell is "Facebook?"

  13. Definitely sounds like a great new reality show. Is Graham Kerr coming back?

  14. Your take is so perfect that I am once again drawn to the theory I once held - in those days of innocence when I was new to blogland - that you are but two characters created by the samee master talent. But which master talent? My money is on Willow.

  15. @Alan: Thanks... I think. Skip's take on my own little idiosyncrasies -- complete with a gentle stab at my "Sepia Saturday" posts, among other quirks of mine -- was on the mark as well, I thought. Hope you see it.

    And I still have a follow-up drafted, if anyone ever asks for it...

  16. Yikes, SF, I'm suprised at you. Why did you let your alter ego slip out like that? Oh well, it was bound to happen.

  17. OMG, Fox! Skip drinks white zinfandel??? My heart is truly broken. Well, that and he's definitely cheating on me with a new old love. ;o)

  18. @Dreamhaven: Uhh, I was... umm... misquoted?

    @AngelMay: The cad! Oh, well, you've still got me.


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