My New Writing Style! (or, "The S**t-Faced Chef!")

I have grown to admire Skip Simpson's writings, and have decided to be just like him! That's easier said than done. It's not easy to imitate his greatness. It takes more than just letting each line end haphazardly (without using Blogger's "justify" setting) and inserting multiple commas & exclamation points, and huge spaces between paragraphs, and random capitalizations. No, no, it takes a special talent, what the French would call "merde," I believe, to duplicate his unique style! Wish me luck as I steal do tribute to one of his greatest creations!

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Announcer: And now, gentlemen of our studio audience, and all you guys watching us on cable with your pissed-off, underage, girlfriends, we proudly present... The S**t-Faced Chef!!! (applause)

SFC: Well, halloooo dere, all you pimple humpers! (toasts Audience with his Glass of Merlot, and takes a big swig) I'm your Host, the S**t-Faced Chef, and we are, ON THE AIR!!! (applause) And who do you think that is, snoring away on the couch behind me, his Shoeless Feet polluting the air in here?

Audience (In unison): It's YACBOD!!!

SFC: You guessed it!!! YACBOD -- short for "Yet ANOTHER Character, Based On David" -- the surly [expletive deleted], who keeps Hiding my BOOZE!

Audience (In unison): BOOOOOO!!!

SFC: Now, now, remember, pippy humples, Yacbod's our Buddy!

Audience (In unison): We meant to yell, YAYYYYY, of course, SFC!!!

SFC: Boy, you guys are good! (pause, while SFC takes another swig of Merlot) Okey, dokey, before we begin, (lowers voice, adopting a sad tone) I must tell y'all, this has been a VERY bad week for the ol' SFC, money-wise.

Audience (In unison): Awwww!

SFC: Yes, drippy tribbles, early Monday morning, I walked to my favorite, antique tea-kettle, and boiled some hot water, for an Instant-Coffee, caffeine jolt.

(Studio Monitor shows SFC's photo of his tea kettle.)

SFC: After that, I proceeded to the courthouse, and faced a rather surly, unsympathetic Judge, who ordered me to pay alimony, and child support, to all my ex-wives, and their children. (takes swig of Merlot, empties glass, and starts drinking straight from the bottle)

(Monitor shows slide of Judge.)

Audience (In unison): Ooooh!

SFC: On appeal, I was sent before an even MORE unsympathetic Judge.

(Monitor shows slide of second Judge.)

Audience (In unison): OOOOOHHH!!!

SFC: On my SECOND appeal, I was sent before an even MORE unsympathetic Judge!!!

(Monitor shows slide of third Judge.)

Audience (In unison): [EXPLETIVE DELETED!!!]

SFC: [EXPLETIVE DELETED!!!], indeed!!! So that's why I'm Sad, today. And broke.

Audience (In unison): Awwww, life just isn't FAIR to you, SFC!!!

SFC: Boy, you guys are good! (pause) Which, of course, caused a problem with my new neighbor, and date, for tonight, the kindly, little, old, lady, named, LaTonga!

(Monitor shows "kindly, little, old, lady, named, LaTonga.")

Audience (In unison): Oooooh! (random whistles)

SFC: So, since I'd planned to cook for LaTonga, and myself, tonight, I was limited to what little Money I had in my wallet. So I decided to prepare a little Dish, a Spicy Delight that I call "TACO-RONI!!!" Now, the LAST time I made Macaroni & Cheese, it came out less than appetizing-looking.

(Monitor shows SFC's last attempt at Macaroni & Cheese.)

One Guy in Audience: That's gross, SFC!!!

SFC: (Emptying bottle of Merlot) Ahh, shut the [expletive deleted] up! (pause) I suppose the yard clippings I used as a Garnish didn't help. (pause) Now, where's my back-up Bottle of Cooking Sherry? (looks around kitchen in vain for bottle) Who, could have hidden it?

Audience (In unison): It was obviously YACBOD!!! It's ALWAYS Yacbod!!! Why do you ask that Question every [expletive deleted] episode, SFC??? He's ALWAYS the one who hides the Booze!!!

SFC: Holy [expletive deleted]!!! You guys are REALLY [EXPLETIVE DELETED] GOOD!!! (he finds a bottle of Liquid Drano under the sink and pours some in a Glass) Don't worry, there's a note on here from Yacbod, saying, "Don't drink THIS, stupid!!! This is REALLY Liquid Drano!!! It is NOT where I hid your booze, LOL, ROFL, ROFLMFAOUIBISAHM*!!!" (he drinks some, pauses, and shrugs) Now usually, when I make Macaroni and Cheese, I brew... I mean, I BAKE it from scratch. Now these are the usual, necessary Ingredients.

(Monitor shows usual, necessary Ingredients.)

SFC: But I said, SCREW all that, THAT costs MONEY!!! So I searched in my cupboard and found a box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner!!!

(Monitor shows antique-looking box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner.)

Guy in Audience: Looks a little OLD, SFC!!!

SFC: (taking a big gulp from his glass & belches) Well, yeah, it was. And when I opened it, it was all stuck together, and kind of Green, and Fuzzy. So, what do you think I should do now?

Audience (In unison): Wake up Yacbod, and get his lazy ass off the couch, so he can drive you to see Boopsie at your favorite supermarket, while you pick up your Supplies!!!

SFC: Well... Yes, and No. Boopsie was being continually harassed by some drunken jerk of a Customer, I recently learned, so she quit the Market and found work at a nearby Toys'R'Us!!!

Audience (In unison): That doesn't stop you from visiting her at her NEW job and playing one of your usual childish pranks on her while you're on your way to the market, DOES it, SFC???

SFC: Hey, great [expletive deleted] idea!!!

(Suiting the action to the word, SFC wakes up Yacbod, and the two of them exit the apartment. Monitor shows their brief visit to Boopsie, and the "usual, childish prank" SFC and Yacbod play on Boopsie.)

(Unfortunately, for some reason, the S**t-Faced Chef and Yacbod do not return to the studio at the end of the segment. The audience waits... and waits... and waits...)

(Finally, after several hours... The audience leaves.)

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*[Author's note: ROFLMFAOUIBISAHM = Rolling On the Floor Laughing My [Expletive Deleted] Ass Off Until I Bang Into Something And Hurt Myself.]

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Well, fellow babies, truth be told, there is a second part to all of this, but I'm not gonna do it unless my readers demand it... and if I don't get sued by get permission from Skip in the meantime. After all, I really doubt he's gonna do anything similar to me in his April first post!

Thanks for your ti-- I mean, Vootie!