"Brother Vampire." No, Seriously. "BROTHER Effin' VAMPIRE." ~~ A "Comical Wednesday" Post

I've often used certain comic stories to justify why I still read comic books, although I'll admit I haven't read the new ones on a regular basis in over fifteen years.

Well, I'll also admit that there are certain comic books, comic characters, or comic book stories that make me say "I still read comic books despite things like these." (For example, see "Superboy Meets Bonnie and Clyde!")

Today we focus on one of the latter.

The above comic cover is that of a comic book published in 1954, Astonishing #35, published by Atlas, which was Marvel Comics before Marvel Comics was Marvel Comics. Sorta.

However, while the cover-featured "The Dinner Guest" does look intriguing, that's not the story I'll be tearing apart commenting on today. I'll be talking about a five-pager originally published in Astonishing #35 and reprinted (Lord knows why) in 1973's Vault of Evil #8.

I have no idea who wrote this story, but although many people seem to think Stan Lee wrote almost everything Timely/Atlas/Marvel ever printed, Stan apparently did not write this one.

The two blurbs below are perhaps the only new additions to the original tale. Starting in the 1970s, Marvel put "Stan Lee Presents" on almost all their stories. (Do they still do that?) Plus there's a reference to the title of the new comic book.

One thing they did not change, but should have, was the caption at the very top, which tells you that this short story is the last one in Astonishing #35. As it happens, however, it's the first story in Vault of Evil #8.

First, they introduce the problem:

Now, at this point, like myself you're probably already saying "Are you f***ing kidding me?" But hold on, it gets better. Or should I say, worse?

And don'tcha just love how the vampire's fangs look more like a mustache?

Anyway, we're immediately told that Eric, the non-vampire brother, has the same questions we do.. but no answers are forthcoming from his creepy, blood-sucking brother, Hans.

Wow. Isn't all of that convenient!?!

Anyway, in this story, vampires can exist and operate in the daytime, in their human form. The story goes on to talk about vampire hunters who can't find Hans because he's hiding in plain sight, as it were.

But one night, Hans goes too far!

Hm. Not too bad-looking. Funny how artist Al Eadeh (1913-2005), who drew such doofy-looking vampires, could turn out a pretty woman like this!

Anyhoo, Eric finally rebels against Hans, who's obviously been draining the blood from male victims for Lord knows how long!

Suspenseful, huh, fellow babies? (By the way, don't you love Hans' funky little wings?)

The ridiculous plot gets even more ridiculous here! The shock of staking his brother returns Eric's memory! No, I swear! That's exactly what it does! And before you can even say "Are you f***ing kidding me?" a second time, they lay this on you:

Never mind all of that, I wanna know where the hell Hans got the drugs he "doped" Eric with! Did he just happen to carry them around with him, jusssst in case he ever encountered an amnesia victim who closely resembled him? If so, boy am I impressed!

Whoa! Here comes the Moment of Truth!

Uhhh, isn't Eric feeling any pain? And isn't there any blood? Shouldn't this tip him off that something's not kosher?

And now, folks, the punchline!

Did I just hear you say "Are you f***ing kidding me?" a third time? I mean... How did Hans attach this "loose plastic?" What the hell is "loose plastic?" And... and... Eric never discovered this before? It's been two years! Two freakin' years!!! Didn't Eric ever get undressed in all this time?!? Not to change his clothes? Not to shower? Not to...???

Oh, never mind. Never mind!!! I give up.

I wonder which Marvel editor decided that this story was one worth reprinting?

Thanks for your time.

P.S. ~~ COMING SOON! (No, really!) A Re-Posting of One of the Best (and Longest) Stories I Ever Posted on This Blog!